The Lesser of Two Evils: Year Two
by lasaireigh
Summary: Harry's second year at Hogwarts is shaping up to be even crazier than his first! (Contains possessed squeak toys, prank warfare, enchanted cheese, and boar music critics) Warning: Don't eat or drink while reading!
1. Chapter One: Testing 1, 2, Ack!

**Disclaimer:** I want to have a lucrative writing career, but that hasn't happened yet. Also, my name is not Rowling, Pierce, Jackie, or Dishwasher. Imply from there.

AN: Here it is! The start of Year Two! This chapter is another mostly serious one dealing with Harry's abilities. On a side note, it's really hard to make a textbook funny. The reviews from the last chapter of Year One will be answered at the end of the chapter, and I hope that everyone who read the first one will be reading _and reviewing_ this one. It only takes a sec, and all you really need to say is 'Hey, I'm not an aardvark!' -Grins- Or you could just let me know you read it, but where's the fun in that?!

/_whoopee!_/parseltongue and animal speak

Chapter One: Testing...1, 2, Ack!

The first thing Harry did that summer was to find one of the books he got over Christmas and read through it. It was titled Rare Magical Abilities and Species (Or, _What the Heck am I, and Why am I Purple?!_). The section on Summoners was fascinating.

_Summoners were first recorded during the times of ancient China. It is said that they are chosen by the Gods because they possess certain characteristics which make them worthy. Though they are born from humans and are entirely human in appearance, they are generally considered to be demi-gods. Common traits of summoners include: extreme power, pure hearts, quick minds, and questionable sanity. _(Harry shook his finger at the text. "Bad book! No donut!") _The last known summoner was Valerian Doodlemeyer, who led an entirely dull and uninteresting life which ended in an accident involving crackers. _("People can die from crackers?" Harry's eyebrows were trying to reach his hairline. Ate smiled from within Jinx. "It also involved an anaconda.") _Merlin was the most famous summoner in history and is generally credited with inventing liver pudding. _("Well thank you, Merlin!" Two voices exclaimed sarcastically.)

_The abilities of a summoner depend greatly upon their available raw power. On average, a summoner's initial awakening of power will take place at the age of sixteen, at which point they will also find their mate. _("WHAT?!" Harry started hyperventilating. Jinx wrapped herself around his wrist. "Calm down, Harry. All this means is that you'll managed to avoid the pitfalls and terrifying experiences of the dating world and skip to the part where you marry your soul mate and live happily ever after. Now keep reading!") _The more powerful the summoner, the sooner the powers will awaken. Merlin, for example, awoke at the age of ten after a nightmare to find himself surrounded by tiny pink elephants. It was said to be one of the defining moments of his life. _(Harry blinked. "That can't be right…I've always been able to call you…" "Actually, it's quite correct. Merlin awoke at ten, but we didn't really like him. He was an insufferable know-it-all, like Hermione on steroids." "So the amount that the Gods favor someone also influences the timing?" "Er…yeah, Harry. Sure…") _Summoners have the capacity to summon up to three Gods at any given time after their awakening. If they awaken before the age of sixteen, they will be able to summon one God until their awakening takes place._ ("I think they mean five…" "Of course they do, Harry." He ignored the Goddess's patronizing tone.) _They may also summon non-magical creatures to do their bidding and may call upon minor weather phenomenons in times of crisis. It is speculated that the burning of Rome truly took place because an intoxicated summoner was attempting to light an offering to Dischordia. The more powerful summoners may use wandless magic, empathy, healing magic, and animal speak. _("What's animal speak?" "The ability to talk to any animal." "So I'm not really a parselmouth?" "Technically, you are, but you're a lot of other mouths too.")

_Summoners are also possessed of magical skin markings that appear when they call upon a God. They come in small runic designs and large varied designs. These markings serve two purposes: they serve as a warning to any enemies of the summoner, and they act as an indicator of the summoner's power. The more tattoos a summoner possesses, the more powerful he or she is. Valerian Doodlemeyer had a total of 137 tattoos, all of which were small. Merlin had two large tattoos of a phoenix and a unicorn and 498 smaller tattoos. _("Why do mine only appear when I summon three or more?" "It's based on the amount of energy used." Harry laughed nervously. "This book sure does make a lot of mistakes!")

_At the age of sixteen, the summoner will find his mate by changes in the amount of heat perceived coming from other people. _("I'm going to find my mate by playing 'Hot and Cold'?") _For the period of time until the summoner locates his mate, everyone else except the mate will seem to give off exceedingly cold drafts. The mate will, therefore, draw the summoner like a pyromaniac to a bonfire. The mate is the summoner's perfect match in every way and acts as an anchor for the summoner's increasing powers. They also increase the summoner's mental stability from 'exceedingly questionable' to 'tenuous'. _(Harry frowned at the book. "I resent the implication that I'm insane, Demitri." Ate blinked. "Harry, books don't need names. They have titles." "Sorry. I resent the implication that I'm insane, _Lord_ Demitri.")_ Once the bonding ritual is completed, neither will be able survive the death of the other. For more information on the bonding rituals of summoners, see the book _The Mating Habits of Highly Unusual Creatures…

"So I'm a demi-god with a soul mate," Harry somehow failed to look thrilled.

"Actually, that part was incorrect," Odin spoke up from Rumples. "Demi-gods are born of a god and a human. A better term would be 'avatar'."

"Which is?"

"Avatar: _n._ 1. In Hindu mythology, the incarnation of a god. 2. Any incarnation."

Harry's eyes were wider than Vernon Dursley. "Please tell me I'm the second definition!" He begged.

Ate laughed. "You're the second one."

"There's a pool of five souls that are reincarnated randomly," Odin explained. "For instance, Merlin was reincarnated as Valerian. You have been reincarnated three different times."

"Who was I?" Harry was a little worried, but he was even more curious.

"You were originally born as Shodo Shonin. He was a famous Japanese saint who summoned a giant while he was praying for a bridge. Then you were reincarnated as an Egyptian thief in 987BC. Your name translated to English meant 'tiny cat paws', and by the time the priests got done with you for robbing their temple, it was literal. Last time, you were Salazar Slytherin."

Harry fainted.

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Harry decided not to tell anyone about who he had been unless it became absolutely necessary. He also decided to try out his other gifts…

"First, the animal speak," he said decisively and went to find his owl, Hedwig. Hedwig, however, had abandoned Harry and gone off to serve a gopher tamer named Bob. She had been gracious enough to scratch out a note in Owl on Harry's dresser: _ooot whoot op who whoo ot ootwoo trrr ot ooo whoo troo woot oot tr coo trrr to oott tr scrreech reek scree whee squack (Master, I hate your snake and mouse! They keep gumming my leg! I'm going to Bob; they can go to…). _Harry ignored the last part of the message.

"ATE! LOKI! WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO HEDWIG?!" The brunette was incensed.

Jinx and Rumples gave him their best innocent looks. "Nothing…"

Harry forced his expression to a deceptive calm. "Does _nothing_ involve biting her legs with your little rubber teeth?"

"Maybe…"

"And what am I going to use to send letters, now?"

The two squeak toys looked at each other thoughtfully, and then Jinx slithered over to one of Harry's spare quills and changed it into a rubber duck. /_Have Hermes possess the duck and deliver your letters. He is a messenger god, after all._/

Harry blinked. /_I'm supposed to send letters using rubber duck post?_/

/_Yes._/

"Okay." Harry, as usual, gave up on any form of a sane solution and went into the forests around Black Manor to look for an animal to talk to.

Ten minutes later, Harry came running out of the forest with an angry wild boar on his heels. /_I swear I didn't mean it_!/ He shouted back to the boar.

/_You sure were singing it loudly enough_!/ The boar tossed it's head, attempting to gore the boy.

/_I didn't know you were out there! Honestly!_/

Harry had been singing the bacon song from The Lion King.

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Harry sat on his bed later that afternoon and tested out the healing magic on his scrapes and bruises. Instead of them fading away, he managed to turn himself a uniform purple. "I wonder if the sub-title of the book was a warning?" he mused as he admired his new plum look.

Sirius knocked on the frame of the open door. And stared. "Harry…" he said slowly, "I don't mean to pry…but why are you PURPLE?!"

Harry tried to think of a response that wouldn't involve telling Sirius that he had just been chased out of the forest by a wild boar for singing a song about bacon. "I read that book on rare magical abilities, and it said I had healing powers. I was trying to test them out."

"What were you trying to heal? A grape?"

"Just some bruises," Harry tried to look innocent.

It didn't work. "Does this have anything to do with the pig Remus saw chasing you out of the forest?" Harry blushed, turning an interesting shade of maroon. Sirius grinned. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I was just trying to talk to it!" Harry said defensively. Sirius blinked. "I can do that too."

"So you're a porker-mouth?" Remus spoke up from the doorway. The werewolf was obviously suppressing giggles.

Harry groaned as Sirius collapsed into a fit of laughter. "It's called animal speak, and I just _happened_ to test it out on a boar."

"Except that he wasn't really meaning to test it out yet," Rumples said helpfully. "He was just singing." The mouse began mimicking Harry's voice: _Are you achin' for some bacon? He's a big pig, and you can be a big pig too! Soueee!_

While the Marauders were rolling on the floor of Harry's room, Harry prayed for spontaneous combustion. "Does anyone know how to un-purple me?" It took three days before they figured it out.

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Harry decided to try out his empathy at a dinner party the Malfoys were hosting. Sirius and Remus bought him purple dress robes for the occasion.

Draco greeted him at the door. "Met anymore ferocious pigs?" The blonde asked mischievously.

"Is there anyone who doesn't know about that?"

"Just people on deserted islands." Draco was comforting, as usual. "So have you found any animals that you haven't offended? Why didn't you try talking to Hedwig?"

"Hedwig left me for a man named Bob."

Draco blinked. "Why?"

"Rumples and Jinx kept trying to eat her."

"What are you going to use to send letters?"

"Rubber ducks."

The blonde burst out laughing, until he saw that Harry was serious. "You're really going to send out correspondence by rubber duck?!"

"Yes." Draco ran into an empty room and laughed himself silly. Harry waited outside, tapping his foot. "Are you done now?" he asked as the blonde emerged.

The Slytherin stifled a giggle. "Yes."

"I'm going to try out my empathy," Harry announced. "Want to help?"

Draco grinned evilly. "What did you have in mind?"

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Harry had decided that the only way to test out his empathy was to make people feel something that could be easily distinguished from his own feelings. So he and Draco snuck down to the kitchens before dinner was served and added a few things to the dishes. As everyone sat around the huge dining table that night…

The first course appeared: a funny looking salad that was supposedly French. Draco and Harry shared a conspiratorial grin as everyone took a bite. The entire table erupted into wide grins and smiles; some people were laughing without a reason. Harry reached out mentally to the people around him and felt an overwhelming wave of joy. '_First course: cheering charms!_' Harry thought. '_Well, that was easy!_'

The second course was designed to help Harry isolate different people's feelings. It was soup. Shark fin soup.

As shark fins began appearing in the bowls of every third person, Harry reached out again. It was ridiculously hard to concentrate with a fattened matriarch screaming next to him. _Cheer, cheer, fear. Cheer, cheer, fear._ Harry gave Draco a thumbs-up sign. (At the head of the table, Lucius, Narcissa, Sirius, and Remus were all laughing at the soup victims. Severus had taken the soup of the person next to him and thrown it-fin and all-at the screaming woman.)

Next came filet mignon on a bed of parsley. The seasoning on every fourth dish was a mild hallucinogen, and Harry was easily able to distinguish between the people who were out of their minds and the ones enjoying the show. (Sirius was currently swinging on the chandelier and shouting, "The invasion has begun! Call Dumbledore! The mutant asparagus are taking over London!" Narcissa was attempting to scalp the Parkinson family while doing a Pawnee war dance.)

Draco leaned over to Harry. "Maybe we should administer the antidote?" The brunette nodded, and Draco summoned the fourth course. The dishes of mint ice cream had three charms and a potion in them. The first charm canceled out the cheering charm, the potion canceled the hallucinogen, and the third charm drew the guests to eat the ice cream. The fourth charm made sure all of them thought they had a lovely time and attended the best dinner party ever thrown.

The two Slytherins smiled at each other as everyone began eating. "How much trouble do you think we're in?" Draco asked casually.

Harry felt for Lucius and Narcissa's emotions. "I'm pretty sure they think it was a plot by the Zabini's or the Parkinson's to disgrace the Malfoy name, and it backfired on them."

"So if we play it right, we aren't suspects at all!" The blonde was grinning widely and watching the still swinging chandelier.

Harry searched for his Godparent's and the Potions Master's feelings. Remus was still laughing internally over the invading asparagus, and Sirius was trying to control the urge to swing on the chandelier again. Severus was only an inch away from finishing the job Narcissa had started. Harry sighed in relief. "I think we're safe."

The blonde had a wicked glint in his eyes. "Next dinner party: a re-enactment of the American Civil War!"

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Happy New Year, everyone! Thankfully, that's the last overtly plot-related chapter for a while! I hate writing anything serious…can you tell? Anyway, a big thanks to all my reviewers and the people who've put me on their favorites and/or author alert! Much more fun next chapter, I promise!

Dischordia is the goddess of dischord. (Ducks rotten tomatoes as people yell out "Duh!") And I know a formal dinner is supposed to have seven courses, but I could only think of four things that the Malfoys might serve at a dinner. I guess you could say it was a light supper party... (Ducks more rotten tomatoes.)

Night-Owl123: I've decided to do it in a series of sequels 'cause I doubt most people would want to read a 70 chapter fic. This makes it more manageable. Glad you like insanity! I'm also a big fan! -Gives out rubber duck-

athenakitty:

Signeus: -grins- That's actually a better interpretation that mine: "I don't own a corvette or Harry Potter." Thanks! Look on the bright side…with all that clothing you can camouflage a tiger-pit in your house or dorm and trap people to use for experiments. (Wow…that was unusually sadistic of me!) –Gives out rubber duck and tiger-pit kit-

Nahirta: I've discussed the possibility of a conspiracy with Rumples, and he's graciously agreed to take over the world. He should be contacting the other stuffed animals shortly with plans for domination. You're welcome! -Gives out rubber duck-

Zesuit: How about six sequels? Thanks for reviewing! –Gives out rubber duck-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Wow! You guys get rooms like that too?! (feels a little less special now that she knows other people go to the happy bouncy fun place, too) I usually leave by setting fire to the pillows and stuffing them down people's shorts. –Gives out rubber duck-

Drake Smythe: Happy to be of service! -Gives out rubber duck-

Lady FoxFire: -pouts- I missed out on a free coat?! Dang it! -Gives out blackberry pie with whipped cream and a rubber duck-

Shadowed Rains: -Grins- You know, I find that taking codine-laced cough syrup and watching Cirque d' Solei (sp?) cures most everything, or at least gives you _very_ weird dreams! Get well soon!! –Gives out rubber duck and cough syrup-

Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! I'm so glad you like it!! Incidentally, Fluffy is only a puppy because Persephone is a nitwit. :) -Gives out rubber duck-

CRose: Thanks! -Gives out rubber duck-

nightstone131302: Thanks so much!! There's more funniness on the way! -Gives out rubber duck-

Ello: I hope your keyboard's alright… Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out rubber duck-

kbat: Well, here it is! I hope you like it. This chapter was a bit too serious for my tastes, but the others will contain more humor. –Gives out rubber duck-


	2. Chapter Two: Hairy News

**Disclaimer: Happy New Year!** The little cowboy hat on the poker table says that I don't own Harry Potter, but I find him to be an unreliable source. Unfortunately, my cat backs up his assessment. Oh well…

AN: If anyone was wondering where I'm getting the Latin from, the site is http:www.sunsite.ubc.ca / LatinDictionary/. Just take out the spaces between the slashes. The program runs on Java, so you'll need that on your computer to use it. If you don't have Java or if you're looking for a more detailed list, another excellent site is cgi-bin/ lookdown.pl?room. Thanks to SmellyCat-190 for pointing this out.

Chapter Two: Hairy News

On June 29th, a fascinating news story came out in a small back section of _The London Times_.

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**Lunatic Zoo Family Remanded to Care of Relative**

Due to the harsh overcrowding of England's insane asylums, more and more crazy people are being allowed into the custody of their relatives for care. One such family is the Dursleys, formerly of Number 4 Privet Drive, Surrey. They are perhaps best known for their mysterious disappearance last Christmas and subsequent reappearance at the London Zoo shortly after New Year's Day.

They were originally housed in the Greensborough Sanitarium where, sources say, their progress was non-existent. "Despite resorting to high-voltage shock therapy, none of the three Dursleys made any significant steps toward recovery," says one source. "We had held out hope that Petunia Dursley was becoming more lucid, but she simply began insisting upon the existence of wizards and magic. Further, she claimed she was chased around the house on Christmas Eve by a chainsaw wielding Santa Clause who changed her into a donkey using a vial of blue liquid."

The three Dursleys have been remanded to the care of Marge Dursley, Vernon Dursley's sister and a world-renowned breeder of bull dogs. The hope is that familiar surroundings will sew together the fragmented remnants of their sanity.

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Harry gritted his teeth at the mention of his Aunt Marge. "Oh if only she had been visiting on Christmas!"

Sirius and Remus shared a look. "I take it you don't like Marge Dursley, either?" The werewolf asked curiously.

Harry pitched his voice to a near-perfect imitation of the fat woman's tone. "Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia, but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us." The two Marauders eyes went red. "That was her speech when she visited last summer," Harry continued normally. "I've still got scars on my legs from where her bull dog Ripper bit me."

Remus leaned over to whisper in Sirius's ear. "Harry's birthday is coming up, Padfoot."

Sirius smirked evilly. "I was wondering what to get him…" he whispered back.

"What are you two whispering about?" Harry asked suspiciously.

The two smiled brightly at him. "Nothing at all, Harry. Nothing at all."

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For Harry's birthday, he was kidnapped and blindfolded.

"Um…guys?" Harry was a bit worried. He loved his Godfathers dearly, but he'd seen what their minds were capable of coming up with. "Where are you taking me?"

He could hear the smirk in Padfoot's voice. "It's a surprise, Harry. Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"So we're in a car?"

"I borrowed Arthur Weasley's invisible flying car for the occasion," Moony answered.

"We're in an invisible flying car?! Well, I guess I really don't want to look out the windows then."

Sirius answered. "Actually, it's only invisible to people looking at it from the outside. From inside the car, you can even see the birds hitting the windshield." This was punctuated by a loud thud.

"You'd think they would be able to tell that something was in the air in front of them by a change in the dynamics of the wind currents…" Remus mused.

"Maybe you should honk at them?" Harry suggested.

Sirius muffled "Nerds!" with a cough.

"Are you getting sick, Siri?" Moony's voice was chock full of innocence. "I'll have to dose you with castor oil when we get home."

Harry could hear the panic in Padfoot's voice. "NO! I mean, I'm fine Moony! Really!"

Harry and Remus snickered for the rest of the ride.

Unfortunately for the car, Sirius was driving. Harry thought he could hear the tailpipe falling off as they landed. ("Um, Siri," Remus said worriedly," I think you might have lost something on the landing…" "Nonsense, Remmy. Harry's still in the car!") When the blindfold was removed, Harry saw a large victorianesque house with a stable beside it.

"Not to be a spoilsport or anything, but I have no idea where we are."

Sirius and Remus smirked at each other. "You will." Remus pulled out his wand while Sirius opened the trunk and removed a small bag. A large shape was now standing in the doorway of the house. "Now, Harry, I want you to remember that violence is not the answer," Remus said as he headed toward the front door.

Sirius reached into the bag as he added, "But sometimes it makes a great birthday present!" He pulled out ten giant crabs. "Fly my pretties! Fly!...I mean crawl…or scuttle…or whatever it's called…" The skittered off toward the stables as Sirius tucked the empty bag into a pocket and pulled out his own wand. Harry followed closely on his heels.

The large shape was Marge Dursley, and she looked close to apoplexy. "WHAT ARE THOSE MONSTROSITIES YOU SENT AGAINST MY DOGS?!" Harry could tell the exact moment when she recognized him. "HOW DARE YOU COME HERE, BOY, AFTER ABANDONING YOUR FAMILY TO AN ASYLUM! YOU'RE PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CONDITION IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

Remus raised an eyebrow at Harry. "Does she always talk in capital letters?"

"Sometimes she uses italics or underlining."

Sirius shot a silencing spell at her. "Ah blissful quiet!" Then he turned the front door into a potato chip. "Mmmm, crispy…" Marge Dursley passed out, and on the way down, she took out her prized collection of _Friends_ memorabilia. Sirius took a few bites out of the door while Remus set to work.

"What are you doing?" Harry was staring in disbelief.

"I'm giving her extensive hair growth that's resistant to shaving and placing a few charms on her to make people notice her. Hopefully, people will think she's a yeti." Remus said as he enlarged her feet.

"That's cool, but I was referring to Padfoot eating the door."

"**Sirius!! Stop that!**"

Sirius blinked and swallowed. "Wow, Moony. I didn't know you could talk in bold…" Petunia Dursley came down the stairs, squeaked in terror, and ran back up them.

Harry frowned, "I thought she would have them locked up or something." He wandlessly changed a credenza into a giant wax figure of Barry Manilow. Remus shot him an odd look before applying green nail polish to the yeti's fingers.

"Come on, Harry," Sirius was smiling in a way that was oddly disturbing. "Let's go see how the crabs are faring."

It looked like a war zone.

But that was mostly because the crabs had on green bulletproof helmets, circa 1917. The dogs were wearing combat gear and backed into a corner behind some bales of hay. When the two arrived, they were fixing bayonettes onto their chew toys. Harry and Sirius backed out noiselessly.

"Somehow I think we weren't supposed to see that," Harry said faintly. Sirius nodded, eyes wide. "We'll just peek in one more time to make sure we weren't hallucinating."

The crabs had taken the dog's bayonettes and were making the poor mutts act out scenes from _Carmen_.

Harry and Sirius ran for the house. "REMMY!!!"

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Harry's first birthday party was held in the (no longer bright orange) dining hall of Black Manor two hours later. The tailpipe had be reaffixed to Mr. Weasley's car, Marge Dursley had been set loose in New York City's Central Park, her front door was no longer a potato chip (though it did have several chunks missing that highly resembled bite marks), Greensborough Sanitarium had been contacted to pick up the rest of the Dursleys, the crabs had been transfigured into rubber balls, and Harry and Sirius were coping with what they saw by claiming it was a mass hallucination.

The party was a complete success featuring all of Harry's friends, several highly useful presents, and a giant chocolate cake that tasted suspiciously like seafood.

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**Dursleys' Caretaker Missing!**

**Bite Marks and Barry Manilow Found at Scene**

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley are quickly becoming one of the most renowned families in Britain because of the continuous string of oddities that surrounds them. _The London Times_ reported in June that they were remanded to the care of Vernon's sister Marge due to the overcrowding of public asylums. Now they are back in Greensbourough Sanitarium once more, and their caretaker is missing under a set of highly suspicious circumstances.

Marge Dursley was reported as missing after the Greensborough Sanitarium received a call saying that the Dursleys were not being properly cared for and that Ms. Dursley had taken a trip to New York City while leaving the three unattended. The call could not be traced, and the British airline industry has no record of a Marge Dursley booking a flight to anywhere in the past six months. All attempts to track down Ms. Dursley have failed.

There are, however, clues as to what may have happened to the missing woman. The front door of Ms. Dursley's house had several holes in it that were later identified as bite marks, and neighbors identified an addition to her house that they placed as being added sometime within the three days before the phone call: a wax statue of Barry Manilow. Attempts to find the credenza that previously stood in place of the statue were unsuccessful. Of further interest was a smashed pile of what looked to be commemorative plates from the American sitcom, _Friends._

One source has this theory: "We believe that Marge Dursley was the first victim of a serial killer. This killer murdered her, stuffed her in the credenza, and hid it. His calling card it the wax statue of Barry Manilow. We also believe he eats doors."

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**Yeti Spotted in Central Park!**

Yesterday, a Yeti was seen by more than fifty witnesses at the southern entrance to Central Park. It is believed that the monster was attacking the hotdog stand. A net of SWAT Teams armed with tranquilizer darts will be sweeping the park today, attempting to catch it. For more information on Yeti's and the legends surrounding them, see page 9.

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**Central Park Yeti is Hairy Missing Woman!**

The Yeti that terrorized Central Park is not a Yeti at all. It is a missing English woman by the name of Marge Dursley. Ms. Dursley's discovery is only the latest link in a series of highly unusual events that have taken England by storm.

The trouble started on Christmas Day of last year when Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley were reported as missing from their home. The house in question was demolished and covered in elephant dung and a walrus, hippo, and donkey were found in a pen behind the wreckage.

The three animals were removed and placed in the London Zoo where they stayed until January 6th. At that point, the three animals disappeared, and the three Dursleys were found in their respective cages. The animals remain missing.

The Dursleys were placed in Greensborough Sanitarium. They were quickly labeled as hopeless cases, and by June 29th, they had been released to the care of Vernon's sister Marge. Ms. Dursley cared for them until sometime between July 29-31st, when an anonymous call informed the Greensborough Sanitarium that she had flown to New York City. Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley are reported as being back in the custody of the Sanitarium.

No record of Ms. Dursley's flight was found.

Ms. Dursley is reported as being in critical mental condition. "She insists that someone changed her front door into a potato chip and unleashed a horde of giant crabs upon her prize bulldogs," one source says. "Judging from the conditions of her relatives, we believe that insanity may run in the Dursley family and exposure to her unstable relatives triggered latent psychotic aspects within herself. Her extreme hair growth could be caused by an influx of hormones supplemented with some form of hair loss treatment."

Ms. Dursley is being flown back to England where it is believed that she will be placed in an asylum for treatment.

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GEEZ LOUISE! THAT'S A LOT OF REVIEWS! I'm awed. I'm inspired. I'm putting up FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS of my money that says I know more than you! Um…disregard that last part. There was a Win Ben Stein's Money marathon on last night and a Monty Python marathon on today. Needless to say, my brain has short circuited. Thanks so much for all of the reviews! They make me feel so appreciated!!

Anyway, sorry about the delay, guys. I got dragged on an unexpected family vacation. –shudders- The next chapter is going to be something of an experimental format for me. I'll give you a little hint: Harry, Hermione, and Draco have been working on a summer project that jumps through a few loopholes and is only a shade away from illegal –mainly because no one else has thought of doing it yet-.

Signeus: Thanks for the offer. :-) Um…did you know you left the part after the off of your email address? Anyway, I doubt I'll get writer's block anytime soon. There's a Monty Python marathon on all this weekend on BBC America. Add that to the Simpsons season five DVD and a large case of Mountain Dew, and you have a great recipe for inspiration. –Gives out giant crab-

meehanium: Actually, I don't smoke anything. (Hard to believe, I know.) But I hear that sage incense creates a very pleasant and clean smell when burned. :) -Gives out giant crab-

evil manda: Whoo-hoo! My insanity's improving! (blinks) Hmmm, excuse me. I have to go run from the orderlies now. -Gives out giant crab-

Night-Owl123: -sigh- I wish rubber ducks could replace the postal service. I find that rubber toys brighten up any day…unless their dropping incendiaries. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. –Gives out giant crab-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Is it a bird cage or a hamster cage? If at all possible, I'd like to be locked up in Fort Knox (wouldn't we all?). Now that I'm a muse, does that make me a god? :) Bow down and worship the caged muse, peons! (Okay, I'm having way too much fun with this concept…) -Gives out giant crab-

evil older sister: Thanks! -blinks and rushes to check books- You know, you're right. She is in Ravenclaw in the cannon… Oh well, fortunately I already labeled this story as AU to take care of both the plotline and any bone-headed mistakes I might make! (And I'm sure there are many more to come!) Besides, she has to have some Gryffindor in her to date Percy. :-) -Gives out giant crab-

Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! Don't you just hate it when aardvarks review stories?! Poor little homeless rubber ducky…oh well, more for me! I happen to love quacks. This comes in very handy since I am one. :) -Gives out giant crab-

nightstone131302: Oooohhh! A butterfly!! What kind? Are you rare? Would you be terribly put out if I pinned you to a display board? Oh, wait a minute…I collect miniature clocks, not butterflies. I always get those two confused. :-) -Gives out giant crab-

athenakitty: I am _so sorry!_ I don't know how I managed to get your name onto the answer list and forget to write a reply! If it makes you feel any better, I had one worked out in my head… Actually, Harry and Draco have something better than pictures: pensieve! I doubt Hedwig's going to return to the story, though. For some reason, I have a strange habit of forgetting pets and remembering their existence later in a story when they are supposed have done something. Rubber duck post is much easier to deal with! Hmmm…chocolate cheesecake… What was I doing? Incidentally, are you sure you meant Phaedera in your last review? I looked, but the only interpretation I could find for the name from mythology was Minos's daughter and the step-mother to some guy whose name escapes me at the moment. Anyway, my apologies. –Gives out rubber duck and giant crab-

Isis's Rose: Wow! I wish I could send my thighs to Portland or anywhere other than my legs! I'll see if I can't work in a Civil War scene, but I doubt it will actually take place at a dinner party. (Grins and restrains herself from giving out hints) -Gives out giant crab-

Shadowface: I wonder if reviews that have that much fire in them count as flames? If so, congratulations! You're my first flame! -Hands you flaming kabob a la' poodle- Personally, I've always thought that Pinky was the genius. Most of the genius's I've met seem mentally challenged until you get them into their area of expertise (and they aren't 'idiot savants' either). Brain has to be nuts to come up with most of those schemes, but it's likely that he is also a genius. Why does Ringo Starr have a hole in his pocket? I'm sure he can afford new pants… (yawns and glances at clock) I shouldn't reply to reviews so late at night. I'm sure I'm missing something obvious. –Gives out giant crab-

Blackedout: I didn't know cabbages _could_ disguise themselves as people. (goes out and napalms garden) That should keep those uppity plants from getting any ideas! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out giant crab-

Smiley Face3: Thanks! I love long reviews! You'll notice everything gets explained gradually, but the Marauders' history during the original defeat of Voldemort doesn't get into any detail until Year Three. Actually, I love random stories! I'm definitely going to have to read that one! Anything with walking potato in the title has to be good! You're right though, I have been neglecting the other Greek gods. Ate's character has a tendency to eclipse them (she's my favorite, as if anyone hadn't noticed). :-) -Gives out giant crab-

SmellyCat-190: Thanks! Actually, I've been meaning to post that link. Thank you for reminding me! It's at the top in the author's note, so all you have to do is take out the spaces. Also, the program runs in Java, so you have to have that on your computer. If you don't though, just use the second site. It runs entirely online, so you don't have to worry about having a particular program on your computer. –Gives out giant crab-

momma-dar: Thanks! I'll try to keep my bar high (that position has the added advantage of keeping my clutzy self from tripping on it!). –Gives out giant crab-

Shadowed Rains: Holy cow! You sound just like me after the Monty Python marathon! Did you steal my brain? (I'll avoid the obvious puns so I don't have to hit myself for saying them!) :-) -Gives out giant crab-


	3. Chapter Three: Lettered Cheese

**Disclaimer**: There are strands of nylon on my cat. I think she may have eaten the UPS delivery man. In other news, I don't own anything which I don't own. Welcome to Chapter Three.

AN: I noticed that the second link to a Latin source didn't fully transfer when I posted, so I'll try again. http:www. archives. nd. edu/ cgi-bin/ lookdown. pl Just remove the spaces. Like I said, this is a really detailed site if you're looking up the nuances of Latin words.

Whee!-letters from Harry

_Whee!-_letters from Hermione

Whee!-letters from Draco

**Whee!-**letters from anyone else

Chapter Three: Lettered Cheese

Harry,

Are you bored yet? The dinner party was fun and all, but I really miss using my wand! It's completely unfair that you can use wandless magic while the more attractive elements of society –namely me- are forbidden from using magic outside of school (and, of course, outside of Malfoy Manor). I want to hex people in public! Stupid ministry! They just had to pass bloody laws against making your wand untraceable! Any ideas?

Draco

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Draco,

HA! HA! I can use magic and you can't! (Except of course that the ministry can't trace magic use in Malfoy Manor…) And who said you're more attractive than me?!

That said, what is the exact law on making wands untraceable?

Mischievous Mackerel

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Hermione,

What are the exact laws on making wands untraceable? 

I promise I'm not doing anything illegal. Trust me…

Draco

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_Harry,_

_What are you and Draco up to? And don't say you don't know anything because where Blondie goes, you inevitably follow (or lead)! He just sent me a letter asking on the exact laws against making untraceable wands._

_Hermione_

_P.S. Where's Hedwig? And why am I replying by rubber duck?_

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_Draco,_

_The law states:_

_No witch or wizard will endeavor by any potion, charm, or spell to hide the magical signature of a wand from the Ministry of Magic._

_Furthermore, the law against Underage Magic states:_

_Any person under the age of 17 shall not use any form of magic outside of the course of the regular school year except in cases of extreme emergencies._

_Your reassurance that you aren't going to do anything illegal wasn't very reassuring, but if you find a loophole, let me know. I'll help!_

_Hermione_

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Hermione,

Draco wants to use magic outside of school, so we're looking for loopholes in the laws. You know, 'Mione, loopholes make things not illegal… Want to help us?

Hedwig left me for a man named Bob because Rumples and Jinx wouldn't stop biting her. I'm having to possess rubber ducks to deliver my post.

Ducky Deliverer

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Mischievous Mackerel,

I've enclosed a copy of the laws against hiding magical signatures and underage wizardry. I think we could manage something if we bought off the ministry. What do you think?

Prince of Slytherin

P.S. I said I'm more attractive than you! And a vast majority of the rest of the world agrees with me!!

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Prince of Slytherin,

After reviewing the enclosed laws and your letter, I feel compelled to remind you that bribery is also illegal. However, I may have found a better solution. Nowhere in the laws does it say that you can't change the magical signature of your wand to someone else's signature. For instance, someone over seventeen. Possibly someone that commands great respect. Someone that we can easily access nine months out of every year. Someone we could frame for things if we wanted to… Do you see where I'm going with this?

By the way, if you're the prince of Slytherin, does that make me the king? And have you surveyed the entire world? I think you just made that up!

Confused Cabbage

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Hermione,

We've found a loophole in the law. Do you know of any ways to make someone's magical signature change to someone else's?

Devious Doogie

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_Harry,_

_WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A DOOGIE?! _

_That said, there isn't currently a way to do that. You're right though. It is a nice loophole, but I suspect it's only because no one's ever tried it before. _

_In the past, people used a potion called Devos Veritas to hide their magical signatures completely. See Banned Brews and Illegal Incantations for a full list of ingredients. I suspect that the changing of a few key ingredients might create the desired effect. I'll research and see what I can find. I've sent a similar reply to Draco, and he's looking into it too._

_Hermione_

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Hermione,

A doogie is a bloated antelope.

Harry

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_Harry,_

_Yes, you are a devious bloated antelope. Have some Windex._

_Hermione_

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Confused Cabbage,

I am the Prince of Slytherin. That makes you an ice cream truck.

I think if we combined a Polyjuice Potion with the Devos Veritas potion and altered it to remain permanent, we might be able to pull this off. Incidentally, you were talking about itchy underpants, weren't you?

Ice Cream Conglomerate

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**Draco Malfoy,**

**Surrender your Gouda, and no one gets hurt.**

**Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel**

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Harry, 

Did you just send me a letter signed by an enchanted cheese wheel?

Draco

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Draco,

No. I'm looking into the Polyjuice blend, though. Is something wrong?

Harry

P.S. Yes, I meant itchy underwear. Instead of an ice cream truck, can I be the taste-tester?

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**Draco Malfoy,**

**This is your last warning. Do not force me to send in a legion of Limburger!**

**Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel**

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Hermione…

Oh, never mind.

We're trying to blend the Polyjuice Potion with Devos Veritas. Any ideas on how to make the whole thing permanent?

Draco

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**Draco Malfoy,**

**Prepare to be annihilated! The cheddar is coming! THE CHEDDAR IS COMING!!!**

**Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel**

**P.S. The cheddar is coming!**

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_Draco,_

_I think the best way to make the changes permanent is to add in dragon blood from a Chinese Fireball. It should also make it resistant to any tampering-detection charms. What were you going to ask me?_

_Hermione_

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Draco,

Are you alright? Why haven't you answered my letter?

Harry

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Harry,

Sorry about that. Malfoy Manor is covered in two feet of melted cheddar cheese, and there's limburger all over the front gate. Don't ask.

I had Severus check over the enclosed potion instructions, and he said it wouldn't kill anyone or blow anything up. I think we should try this when we get back to Hogwarts. I've sent a copy to Hermione, too. 

We're going to Diagon Alley for school supplies on August 22nd. Do you want to meet there?

Draco

P. S. You can be a taste-tester if you really want to, but the delivery of ice cream had better remain prompt. –wiggles finger menacingly-

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Draco,

YEAH! ICE CREAM TESTER!! My life's ambition has been met. How's your level of contentment? Would you like a pamphlet on Ice Creamitology?

Why is your manor covered in cheese?! Wait, don't answer that. I want to see your face when you explain it!!

On a side note, the potion list looks good. Complicated, but good. I assume we'll be buying the necessary ingredients in Diagon Alley? (Frankly, I don't want to break into Snape's supply cabinet. He may like us, but that only means he'll cast a numbing charm before he skins us alive…)

Harry the Flying Widget

P. S. The 22nd is fine. –laughs as Rumples attacks wiggling finger-

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_Draco,_

_Are you sure you're feeling alright? Are there spaces in your memory that you can't account for? Have you been seeing things that no one else has?_

_The potion looks good. Did he say if it would work or not?_

_I'll be in Diagon Alley. Let's buy the potions supplies while we're there. Unless, of course, YOU have a death wish…_

_Hermione_

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It is astonishingly difficult to write a long chapter filled with letters, so I doubt I'm going to be doing something like that again anytime soon. Tell me how you think it turned out! And does anyone think that Melvin the Enchanted Cheese Wheel should be a returning character? -grins and looks at next chapter- I sure hope so! Also, who do you think is the most attractive: Harry, Draco, or any other character that has appeared thus far? I'm curious, and I'll probably use the results in something later on. -suppresses another evil grin-

Shadowface: That's a very valid point! However, my cat can usually destroy my highly complicated charcoal drawings in under five seconds, though this may be because I'm an idiot and leave them on flat surfaces while I'm working on them… (pats you soothingly on the head) Yes, you're a very complicated person. I humble myself before your multitude of personality quirks. –Gives out block of cheddar-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: MEEP! (Hides behind a large piece of furniture) Can't I just contort myself instead of getting chopped up? (Tries to find army of cheese, remembers she melted them…) Okay…I have a beet, and I'm not afraid to use it! Anyway, I'm glad to know that my story appeals to the Bipolar Howler Monkey demographic. :) -Gives out a block of unarmed cheddar-

Shadowed Rains: Wow! A cult of giant crab worshippers! Can I join?! Ni! Yes, you must go out into the world and write humor! But not too sane! (Stares at the box…) Nice box! Thank you, by the way! -Gives out block of cheddar-

nightstone131302: Hehe! Bob the crab! (For some reason, I've always been amused by the name Bob.) Poor Mr. Squechy… -Gives out pair of crab clamps- That should help with the pincers! A monarch butterfly…pretty! -gives out block of cheddar-

evil older sister: I can't tell you how flattered I am! Your epiphany managed to get almost all of my favorite quotes from this story. Another personal favorite of mine is, "Draco Malfoy, surrender your gouda, and no one gets hurt! Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel". –Gives out block of cheddar-

Signeus: I really appreciate the offer, but I usually don't collaborate very well… The last time I tried it, I drove my partner nuts! (And that was only on a one page short story!) Here's your giant missile launcher! -Gives out giant missile launcher with leather strap and block of cheddar-

athenakitty: Scarily enough, there wasn't a god controlling the crabs. They were doing that all by their little selves. If the Dursleys and Marge get out of the sanitarium, I plan to have a bit more fun with them! (In the best of taste of course…mmmmm….chocolate covered cherries…Sorry, got a bit distracted by a Christmas present.) -Gives out block of cheddar-

smartchic: Thanks! I recommend covering the walls, floors, and ceilings with body pillows like they do in the happy place! (Sees white van pull up in yard) Speaking of which… -Gives out block of cheddar-

Night-Owl123: -grins- Sadly, they just pop into my head while I'm writing. The nice people in white coats tell me that's a bad sign, but I rather enjoy it! Glad you like it, too! -Gives out package of Zataran's and block of cheddar-

Lady Melime Alasse: Hey! I say that too!!! It's so nice to know someone out there agrees with me! -Gives out block of cheddar, large box of assorted chocolates, and fluffy white Persian kitten- The kitten is guaranteed to look angelic, act cuddly, and bat at your finger when you shake it! Those are my personal standards for perfect cats.

Blackedout: (Looks at introduction to Principia Discordia) I think I just found a new source of inspiration! Hail Eris! Thanks! –Gives out block of cheddar-

Smiley Face3: I loved the story! I even left a review at the end of it saying so! You should really finish it…maybe the walking potato can lead an army of vegetables to word domination and subjugate the consumers? Or Ron could be possessed by the ghost of a giant ham who wants revenge on Hogwarts for putting grape jelly on it? Thanks! That's one of my favorite lines too. –Gives out block of cheddar-

CuriousKitty: Thanks! I aim to please! (I also aim for packages of ketchup, but that's a different story.) -Gives out block of cheddar-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: First off, let me just say, I LOVE YOUR NAME!! I don't know what a Yamirose is, but it sounds so cool!! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out block of cheddar-


	4. Chapter Four: Say Cheese!

**Disclaimer:** Have you ever noticed how people in shampoo commercials flip their hair around all over the place? I wish someone would do that in a toupee commercial…or a commercial where the person is surrounded by waterfalls of glue! By the way, I don't own Harry Potter.

Also, I don't own any of the quotes I borrowed from Chapter Four of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

AN: The poll is still on-going, not to mention tied. I really need a winner, even if it is by one vote! For everyone who forgot what the poll was about, it's "who do you think is the most attractive: Harry, Draco, or any other character that has appeared thus far?"

Chapter Four: Say Cheese!

When Harry spotted Draco in Diagon Alley, the blonde was being followed by a 3' tall floating cheese wheel wearing an overcoat and sunglasses. Mr. Malfoy kept glaring daggers over his shoulder at the offending cheddar. Behind him, Harry could hear Sirius and Remus laughing.

"Draco, there's a cheddar impersonating Dick Tracy behind you."

The blonde blinked at Harry. "Who's Dick Tracy?"

"Nevermind." The cheese had stopped behind Draco and seemed to be watching the pedestrians suspiciously. "Who's the cheese?"

Lucius muttered something under his breath that shouldn't be heard among polite company. Draco glanced at him and spoke instead, "This is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel. He's my new pet!"

"WHO SENT A LEGION OF LIMBURGER AND AN ARMY OF BLOCKS OF CHEDDAR TO DESTROY THE MANOR!" Lucius roared. People walking by glanced at him, questioned his sanity, and then decided that even if he was insane, he was still a Malfoy. Then they hurried away.

"Father, we're in public," Draco whispered. Lucius took a deep breath and visibly forced himself to calm down. He sent a death glare at any pedestrian that dared to look at him.

"So that's why your house is covered in cheese…" Harry looked over Melvin once more.

Draco nodded. "Melvin was recruiting gouda for an attempt at world domination." The blonde grinned evilly and pulled a cheese grater out of his pocket. "If he disobeys me…" He made grating motions with his hand. Melvin seemed to shrink back from him.

Remus piped up from behind Harry. "That still doesn't explain why he's wearing that outfit." The werewolf was obviously fighting back chuckles.

Draco gave him a 'duh' look. "It's a disguise."

Harry tried to remain standing. "Oh."

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After a quick visit to Gringotts, Sirius and Remus had taken Lucius to the Leaky Cauldron for a much needed drink, leaving Harry and Draco to gather their school supplies. Knowing their time was limited, the two headed first to the apothecary with Melvin still following them. While they were there, they met Hermione and explained the Cheese Situation.

"What I don't understand," the witch said as they ate ice cream from Florean Fortescues later that afternoon, "is how the cheese wheel became enchanted in the first place."

**I was born in the town of Kraft in the wilds of North America**, Melvin began. **There I was placed into a large truck with others of my kind to be shipped off and killed at an unknown destination. **Violin music began playing mournfully in the background. **After a little while, the truck driver got into an accident with a bus full of Cher impersonators, and I found myself rolling down a dangerous and rocky mountain. I landed in a magical stream near the bottom of the mountain, where another truck had recently crashed and was leaking glowing green fluids of an obviously magical nature. **The music began swelling with power. **I came, from that hallowed river, into full consciousness and dubbed myself MELVIN, THE ENCHANTED CHEESE WHEEL!!!**

The patrons of the ice cream shop looked at the shouting cheese and quickly turned back to their meals.

"So you're not _really_ enchanted," Hermione said as she processed the cheese's story. "You're radioactive."

Draco and Harry shared a look. "COOL!"

"Will you still think it's cool when your hair starts falling out from radiation poisoning?" Hermione asked. Draco gasped and checked his hair. It was still there, but the blonde sent off the cheese wheel anyway.

The three watched Melvin sullenly float away. "I wonder where he's going…" Harry said softly.

Draco shrugged. "I'm sure there's a refuge for radioactive mutant cheese wheels with megalomaniac tendencies somewhere." Harry and Hermione just stared.

"Let's go get our books…" Hermione suggested, still shooting disbelieving glances at the blonde.

There was a huge crowd lined up in front of Flourish and Blotts under a banner proclaiming:

GILDEROY LOCKHART

will be signing copies of his autobiography

_MAGICAL ME_

today 12:30pm to 4:30pm

Hermione's eyes seemed to light up like fluorescent cave moss. "We can actually meet him! I mean, he's written almost the entire booklist."

"Yes, and he's an absolute ninny," Lucius said as he walked up behind them. Sirius and Remus nodded in agreement.

"We're the founding members of The Society to have Literary Idiots Declared Mentally Incompetent." Remus was grinning in a way that was only half-joking. "We're called SLIDMI for short." The large crowd of what were apparently middle-aged women turned to glare at the werewolf.

Fortunately, Lockhart's honor wasn't worth losing their places in line.

Harry looked at the crowd worriedly. "Do we really have to go in there? And if we do, can Ate turn them all into rabbits first?"

Hermione nudged him. "Remember _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_?"

"Okay, then…cauliflower."

Remus shook his head, smiling. "You can't turn people into cauliflower just because they look like they're going to kill you." The werewolf blinked. "There was something very wrong with that statement… Okay, you can't turn people into cauliflower unless they actually try to kill you."

"In that case, though, I would recommend one of the squishier vegetables so you can throw it at people you don't like," Sirius added. Remus and Lucius whacked him on the head and made their way into the bookshop. Padfoot glared after them. "That wasn't very nice! Well, c'mon kids! Into the lion's den!"

"Reassuring, isn't he?" Draco and Harry nodded.

Inside the shop, they found Ron and the twins hiding among the Quidditch books. The three were starting to look a little claustrophobic. Hermione had snuck forward to have a closer look at Lockhart as Sirius snuck off to bother Remus.

"Hi guys," Fred and George said.

Ron grinned. "Mum's in line with Ginny, our little sister. Both of them fancy that fellow!" The three red-heads shook their heads sadly and clucked their tongues. "Poor dad…"

"Poor dad what?" A middle-aged red haired man poked his head around the corner of a book shelf.

"Nothing, father!" Fred-or George-said innocently. The twins grabbed Harry, Draco, and Ron and pulled them toward Molly Weasley.

"Oh, there you are, good," said the breathless Mrs. Weasley. "Hello, dears, so nice to meet you. We'll be able to see him in a minute." She kept patting her hair, which the twins had just laced with baby powder. Little clouds of dust formed behind her as she moved.

Beside her were Hermione and an eleven year old red-headed girl. The girl took one look at Harry and turned the color of her hair. Lockhart came into view. "Ginny, this is Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."

The little man taking pictures of Lockhart squeaked then yelled out, "It _can't _be Harry Potter!" He dived forward through the parting crowd and forcibly placed Harry next to blue-clad buffoon. _Ate help!_ Harry shouted mentally.

He could feel the goddess grinning in the back of his mind. _Leave it to me!_

"Nice big smile, Harry," said Lockhart, through his own gleaming teeth. "Together, you and I rate the first page." In the instant of the camera flash when everyone was blinded, Harry felt Lockhart _shift_, but when he looked over at him, Lockhart was his normal strutting self. Harry tried to get back to his friends, but the blithering idiot threw an arm around his shoulders and held him at his side. "Ladies and gentlemen, what an extraordinary moment this is! The perfect time for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for sometime!

"When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography-which I shall present to him now, free of charge-"The crowd applauded. "He had _no idea _that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, _Magical Me._ He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

Harry met Draco's eyes and saw the exact same thought in them. _We're doomed…_

The crowd cheered and clapped as Harry found himself presented with the entire collected works of Gilderoy Lockhart, which he promptly dumped into Ginny's new cauldron as soon as he got away. "You have these. I'll buy my own." _Preferably ones that aren't covered in Lockhart cooties…_

"Well, if it isn't the _famous Harry Potter_!" Harry, Draco, and Hermione immediately recognized the sneering whine of Blaise Zabini. "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page!"

"Zabini, has anyone ever told you that your voice sounds like a chimp?" Harry smirked as Zabini paled.

Fred and George joined in from behind him. "From the back he bears a startling resemblance to one," said one.

"All he needs is a propeller hat."

"An accordion grinder,"

"A balcony,"

"And a howler monkey." They finished together.

Dracosmiled at the boy coldly. "Don't forget the poison ivy and the fire ants."

"And the clogs," Ron added from beside the blonde.

"Well, has anyone ever told _you_ that you lot look like…like…" Zabini faltered for a moment. "green buffalos!"

The group blinked as one. Then they laughed their heads off.

"GREEN BUFFALOS!" Harry gasped out as he leaned against a stack of books.

"THAT'S your big comeback?!" Draco was sitting on the floor clutching his sides. Zabini went red.

"What's going on here, boys?" It was Mr. Weasley, accompanied by Sirius, Remus, and Lucius. "It's too crowded in here. Let's go outside."

"Well, well, well-Arthur Weasley…and Lucius!" It was Mr. Zabini. "You must have stumbled upon truly difficult times to be in such _disgraceful_ company."

It was the wrong day to insult Lucius Malfoy. The next thing anyone knew, the elder Zabini had been launched through the front shop window and into the street---by hand. Sirius and Remus jumped forward as Lucius began to advance upon Mr. Zabini with his wand drawn.

"I think this is a good time to remind you that most of the hexes you want to use right now are illegal!" Remus said desperately as he grabbed one of the blonde man's arms.

"And I'd like to remind you that Cissa will kill you if she finds out you've been fighting in public!" Sirius said from his other arm.

The Zabinis ran off up the street as the two Marauders finally managed to get through to Lucius. Apparently the threat of his wife was a powerful incentive. He was staring out the window and muttering something about cheddar and pea-brained imps.

A wide-eyed Arthur Weasley approached him. "I just wanted to thank you for that, Lucius…" he heard the blonde man's mutterings. "Um…are you alright?"

Draco stepped up beside his father. "I'm afraid he's still upset over the radioactive cheese wheel." The Weasleys blinked.

"Well then…" Arthur said slowly. "We'll just see you all later…" He gathered up the rest of his family and left for the Leaky Cauldron.

Draco turned to Harry after they had left. "I'm going to treasure that moment forever: The day my father threw a man through a window." The blonde had a beatific expression on his face.

A lucid Lucius turned to his son and smiled sardonically. "Just as long as you never tell your mother."

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Sorry about the update time. I kept getting kidnapped by my sister! Anyway, college is starting up tomorrow, so expect updates to happen about once a week. Two if I'm feeling frisky! A big thanks to all of my reviewers, and to the three people who have thus far responded to the poll. REPLY PLEASE! I CAN'T DO MY FUNNY THING WITHOUT A CLEAR CUT WINNER, AND IT'S TIED!!! (1 for Harry, 1 for Draco, and 1 undecided.)

On a side note, precisely what Ate did to Lockhart will be revealed in the next chapter.

crazy-lil-nae-nae: -smiles innocently- Oh, no reason…no reason at all! Let's just forget the whole cage thing, shall we? I know what you mean about the diabetes. It doesn't run in my family; it gallops. Both my parents and my grandparents have it, and most of my uncles are headed that way. In my family, it usually starts after thirty, but once it begins, it hits hard and fast. –smiles and trips over soapbox- You're welcome. –Gives out sugar-free chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

athenakitty: I love when my next chapter manages to answer most of your questions! It makes me feel like I actually have a moving plot! Thanks! –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Signeus: You have a wall collection of knives? That is so cool! I've always wanted to collect swords, myself, but my _entire_ family banded together to forbid me from doing so. Apparently their still sore over the episode with the power drill… -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Smiley Face3: -ducks iron fist- It must be really hard to drive around sharp curves with an iron fist. How would you unbend it to grasp the steering wheel? Imploding everyone…sounds like fun! Glad you liked the nicknames. That's something I do when I send e-mails to my friends. -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

blackstorm50: Aside from this chapter, expect Melvin to show up a few more times during Year Two. There's just something about a radioactive megalomaniac cheese wheel that appeals to my funny bone! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Lady Melime Alasse: Awww! I have a cat like that, except that it has a white blaze on its chest instead of a white paw. I named it Bast. (-grins- I'm what you'd call Eclectic.) Six brothers…Holy Cow! How in the world are you still lucid?! You can't imagine how happy I am to know that I came up with something that hasn't been used a hundred times before on this site! (Although somehow I doubt a great deal of people have written about a radioactive cheese wheel named Melvin…or possessed squeak toys, for that matter…) As to Melvin's motives, all will be revealed later on. Thanks for the charm, hex, and brownies! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae and calming sachet for use on brothers-

Night-Owl123: Thanks for answering the poll! -grins- Cheese on cheerios…I guess that would be like a tiny round Ritz with a hole in the middle. Melvin will be showing up periodically throughout Year Two. –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Dark Illusionist: Thanks for answering the poll! –blinks in confusion- Um…what is illegal exactly? If you're referring to my solution to underage wizardry, the way the laws are stated it's actually a viable loophole. It may be a change from the cannon, but this _is_ an AU… Anyway, more insanity coming up in the next chapter! –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Isis's Rose: You know, I've never tried French cheese… Glad you like Melvin! -grins- I've been trying to convince my thighs to go on a Hawaiian vacation, but they remain stubbornly attached to me! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

PbookR: Thanks! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Shadowface: -does a complicated victory dance then slaps herself on the forehead- I'm tired, too, and dreading my next semester of college, but otherwise I'm peachy keen, man! Thanks for asking! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Thanks for answering the poll! I'm so happy you liked the chapter! Write as much as you want! I swear I don't mind!! (That's a lot of exclamation marks…Oh, well…!!!!!!!!!) -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae with m&m's on top and a block of gouda-

meehanium: -grins- I'm holding you to that if I ever get published! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Anon Junky: -giggles- Well, you see…when the first piece of cheese crawled from the primordial ooze, it said to itself _One day, as Kraft is my witness, I will cover a large house!_ …Or it could be that Melvin sent legions of cheddar and limburger to destroy Malfoy Manor when Draco refused to surrender the gouda. :) -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

Nahirta: Rumples says hello and to prepare the floppy bunny launchers. Thanks, and you're welcome! Of course, the rubber ducky will probably be brought in as a mercenary…so you might want to keep an eye on it. –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-

stars-n-moons91: Thanks! I know what you mean… for the first couple of chapters of the series, I was lucky to get five reviews per chapter! Don't worry though. Once people see how good you are and that you won't abandon the story, they'll start reviewing more. I've noticed that trend with a lot of stories… -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-


	5. Chapter Five: A Transportation Situation

**Disclaimer: ** One day, there was a man named Tom, and Tom had a big nose, green eyes, and raccoon skins on his feet. The raccoon skins made his feet itch, so he took them off and threw them onto a donkey. The donkey was then attacked and devoured by rabid hyenas from Canada. The End.

And I don't own Harry Potter.

_Blah_ thoughts or special emphasis

Chapter Five: A Transportation Situation

When Harry returned home from Diagon Alley, he found a pointy-eared midget on his bed. It was dressed in a dirty toga that looked suspiciously like a tea-towel, and it was currently engaging a shrub-shaped lamp in a conversation about dodging pamphlets with shady agendas.

"Excuse me," Harry said as he contemplated why the thing reminded him of buttercups, "but who are you?"

The midget raised its head and stared at Harry. "I am Dobby, the house elf. Are you Mr. Sanchez?"

"No."

"Good. I don't like him."

The brunette blinked. "Is there a reason you're here?"

"Yes, sir. I've come to warn Harvey Pickle that he shouldn't go back to Hobforts this year!"

"I think you have the wrong house, then."

"No sir! You have the car, and the messy rear, and everything! Sir must be Harvey Pickle!"

"I'm Harry Potter!"

"Close enough." The little creature was looking decidedly smug. "Sir must promise that he won't attend Hobforts Bull of Hitch-raft and Lizardry!"

"Why?" Harry was very much hoping for the chance to strangle Dobby, but his curiousity wanted answers first. _First he talks, and then the homicide can begin!_

"Because terrible things are about to happen, sir!" Dobby was obviously trying for an oscar. "Most horrible things!"

"Such as?"

"I cannot say, sir." Then Dobby began hitting himself with the lamp. It looked like a green bush monster was trying to eat him.

"As much as I'd love to watch you beat yourself into oblivion, I would really appreciate knowing WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!" Harry could swear he started breathing fire.

"Sir, Dobby's family forbids him from speaking of it!" The midget looked so pitiful that Harry wanted to throw him out of an attic window to put him out of his misery (and satisfy his increasing need to kill the little bugger).

"Is it worse than Voldemort?"

"Well, not _worse_, sir. AND DON'T SAY THAT NAME!"

"Is it Voldemort?"

"Not exactly, sir. No. AND STOP SAYING THAT!"

"Is it VOLDEMORT'S twin brother who also happens to be evil and enjoys wearing a tutu and appearing in ballets that VOLDEMORT produces to torture muggles?" Harry was thoroughly enjoying the house elf's reaction to the name.

"NO! NO!! NO!!!" Dobby was close to passing out from fear.

"Wimp."

"Sir must promise Dobby, or Dobby will be forced to take drastic measures."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine! I promise I won't attend Hobforts Bull of Hitch-raft and Lizardry! Will you please leave? Now?!"

Dobby's eyes filled with tears. "Oh thank you, sir!! Thank you, Mr. Pickle!!" And the house elf was gone with a sharp crack.

Juno/Jinx spoke up from Harry's pocket. "You do realize he took your lamp?"

Harry banged his head on the door. A lot.

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The next day, a picture of Harry and Lockhart graced the frontpage of _The Daily Prophet_. At least, Harry thought it was Lockhart. Apparently that shifting sensation Harry had sensed was Ate giving the man a few cosmetic changes.

If by few one means foot-long buck teeth, donkey ears, Princess Leia hair, lurid orange skin, webbed hands, and a humpback.

"Ate, I love you." Harry had never been more sincere.

The goddess smiled.

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September 1st rolled around with suprising speed. It was almost as if a frieght train had run over father time, then a mouse had held him at gunpoint. Harry found himself being escorted to the train by his Godfathers at precisely 9:53am. (Despite the werewolf's best efforts, it seemed that both Sirius and Harry were doomed to be insufferably slow at getting anywhere. -Best efforts here means that Remus placed three vials of pepper-up potion in Sirius's coffee and placed fireworks in Harry's back pants pockets that would activate if he dilly-dallied. This had the interesting effect of making Sirius proclaim himself Emperor of Coffee Mug and Lord of Fuzzy Socks while Harry tried desperately to extinguish his butt. It did not, however, speed up their departure.-)

At the train station, Harry ran into Draco and Hermione. The resulting collision pushed three muggles into an oncoming tea-trolly, and the three Slytherins were forced to make a run for it before the station police came to investigate. Sirius and Remus headed through the barrier with their luggage.

"Harry," Hermione said as she wrung out her tea-soaked hair, "you are the single most unobservant person I've ever met!"

"You should have said something!" Harry said defensively. "'Hey, Harry, we're over here!' would have been nice. 'Harry, you're about to crash into the sword-swallower!' would have been better. I would even have settled for 'HARRY, YOU'RE ABOUT TO RUN US OVER WITH YOUR CART AND CAUSE A MASSIVE RAILWAY CONCESSION STAND ACCIDENT!'" The boy-who-lived didn't do subtlety very well.

Draco began muttering under his breath. "We did!" He said after passing over several sets of more stress-relieving but less appropriate replies. "In fact, I distinctly remember yelling 'Harry, you're going to run over us! Hit the old lady instead!'"

Harry blushed. Then he tried to walk through the barrier.

The resulting fall on his bum further bruised his pride.

"The barrier's sealed itself!" He exclaimed unneccesarily.

Hermione and Draco tried pushing against it. "But it's only 9:59! The train leaves at ten!" The bookworm was incensed.

The three slumped back against the wall. "If we had our luggage I could use Damien to send a message to the school telling them what's happened," Draco said, sorely missing his eagle owl..

Hermione perked up. "That's it! Harry, turn something into a rubber duck and send it!"

Something sparked in Harry's mind. "I've got a better idea..."

-------Ten Minutes Later------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Harry, I am not riding that thing." Hermione was trying her best to remain calm in the face of what could only be considered Harry's craziest idea yet.

Draco grinned and climbed in through the wing-door. "It's actually quite comfortable, 'Mione. Besides, who else can say that they've ever arrived at Hogwarts in a giant rubber duck?"

"But why does it have to have devil horns?" Hermione looked worried. "And does it really need to be wearing lipstick and eyeliner?"

Harry shrugged. "Eris designed it," he said as if that explained everything (which it did).

After much persuasion, Hermione climbed in and settled herself into one of the down-filled black couches. "This...is so strange." The door slid shut as Hermes began announcing take-off preparations.

"We're still invisible, aren't we?" Harry asked the god.

"Roger!"

"Harry."

".....never mind. Yes, we're still invisible."

"Good! Let's stay that way until we get to Hogwarts."

"Harry!"

"I'll take that as a yes."

The three Slytherins settled in to watch London disappear through the large glass pane at the front of the duck.

-------------One Hour Later--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hermes! See if you can hit the train!"

A large amount of rubber duck poo splattered the prefects compartment of the Hogwarts express. (If anyone is wondering, rubber duck poo is actually melted yellow plastic that smells like mouldy beansprouts.)

Draco laughed. "Nice shot!"

-----------Seven Hours After That--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hogwarts shown like a dark jewel in the fading twilight...until Hermes belched fire onto the quidditch pitch.

"Was that absolutely necessary?" Hermione asked.

"No."

Harry and Draco laughed.

"Then put it out!" the bookworm insisted. A large amount of rubber duck poo smothered the fire.

"Spoil sport." The giant rubber duck was pouting.

Harry grinned. "You can make us visible now Hermes."

"Harry!" The people in the great hall were suddenly treated to the sight of a giant rubber duck with devil horns and make-up on flying past the large glass windows. Hermes let out a thunderous squeak before landing in front of the giant double doors where a large crowd was gathering.

Hermione moaned into her hands. "We are in _so much trouble!_"

Harry spotted Sirius, Remus, and Severus standing in front of the crowd, and he could only nod. The three Slytherins stepped out of the wing door to a massive sound of applause and three scowling men.

"Do you have any idea how worried we were when you didn't show up at the feast?!" Remus barely managed to control himself.

"The barrier wouldn't let us through!" Harry protested.

"What time was it?" Sirius asked.

"9:59 according to the station clock," Hermione offered. The three men shared a look of pure confusion.

"Are you certain you were at the right barrier?" Severus asked.

"Well if we weren't then those two passed into some sort of alternate dimension," Draco said, pointing at the two Marauders. "Yes, we were at the right barrier. Yes, we tried everything we could think of. Yes, we would have sent word if our luggage hadn't already made it past the barrier and onto the train. So you'll have to forgive us if instead of waiting in a muggle train station without adult supervision, we decided to fly in an invisible rubber duck!"

Just then, Albus Dumbledore made it through the crowd of students to the three and opened his mouth to say something.

Hermes ate him.

Silence reigned over all of Hogwarts for a long moment. Then Severus Snape laughed. (And not a sneering laugh or a mocking laugh, a real laugh of the kind you would expect from anyone _but_ Severus Snape.) And the entire student body fainted.

Hermes took the opportunity to chew on Dumbledore a few times before swallowing him.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "As much as I'm enjoying the show, I don't think Harry will be very happy once he wakes up. Or to paraphrase," he began to mimic Harry's tone, "Bad duck! Regurgitate the Headmaster immediately!"

Hermes glared at the Potions Master before reluctantly complying, and a soggy, chewed-up Albus Dumbledore landed in front of the student body with a satisfying THUMP!

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This isn't actually the original version of Chapter Five. I managed to contract a computer virus that killed my laptop and destroyed the original chapter as well as Chapter Six. Fortunately my sister (being the wonderful computer genius and programmer that she is) managed to fix it. Unfortunately, she had to reformat the entire hard drive to do so. This version of chapter five is only missing a few things, though. (i.e. The poll results joke, banana peels, and dishwashing detergent.) Just a little warning to everyone...if pop up windows keep appearing on your screen too fast for you to ALT-F4 them away, forcibly restart your computer then shut it down and get it to someone who knows how to fix it. If you don't, the windows will eventually overload your system memory, and then you'll be _very_ tempted to fix the problem yourself with a sledge-hammer, a chainsaw, and napalm.

And if I miss answering anyone's review (AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THEM!!! I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY THERE WERE!!!), I sincerely apologize.

AN: Eris is the Greek goddess of chaos and a whole lot of fun at parties!

Shadowface: I agree completely! I use mine to store information about people! (And they wonder why I forget people's names...) -Gives out baboon stew and devil horns-

athenakitty: Thanks for answering the survey. (I placed your vote firmly in the 'undecided' category.) Yeah, I hate it when that happens. I tried five separate times to fix the spacing on that, but it insisted on smushing them together! Ah well, France surrenders. (We'll just ignore the part where I'm American...) -Gives out devil horns-

evil manda: Honestly, neither was I. My characters have a bad habit of springing things on me while I'm typing. (Case in point, giant rubber duck plane.) Thanks though! -Gives out devil horns-

Smiley Face3: Implode Ginny? But then how will Harry perform a heroic rescue that endears him forever to the rest of the school?! Of course, there are always _accidents_... -Gives out devil horns-

Signeus: Wow...I could measure the placement by my height. -smiles- I have a reputation with sharp objects, too. It goes something like, "Put that down before you trip and kill yourself!" I have a reputation for clutziness, too. :) -Gives out devil horns-

Suicidal: Warning's up!! Thanks! It would be such a shame to kill all my readers... :-) -Gives out devil horns-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Fear not, valued reader! (superhero music plays in background) I'm not saying anything, mind you, but the cheese wheel isn't really gone. -slaps hand over her mouth before she can give out anything else and gives out devil horns-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Thanks! Love the smiley faces. -- (That's a cat, just in case you couldn't tell.) -Gives out devil horns-

Nahirta: Sorry. Rumples insists on launching bunnies at the enemy forces, but if it helps, the bunnies will be launched by stuffed cats... :) Thanks for answering the survey! -Gives out devil horns-

Zesuit: If by together you mean Ginny as slave labor, sure! Otherwise, I really don't think Harry needs the complication of a serious relationship until he is forced to find his mate. (i.e. Summer of sixth year and up.) Thanks for the suggestion though! -Gives out devil horns-

Kaaera: No! No, I don't mind at all! (does cartwheels in the background before she remembers how clutzy she is...manages to knock over antique coffee table...thanks Merlin it's sturdy.) Thanks!! -Gives out devil horns-

Anon Junky: That's an interesting idea. I'll have to try that. (Though knowing my crazy imagination, the universe would probably explode. Or disco would come back in style... -shudders-) -Gives out devil horns-

Drake Smythe: Your review gave me ideas! (Namely chomping Dumbledore!) And unlike your propeller duck (which I would have loved seeing!), mine really is possessed! Thanks! You really like enchanted socks, don't you? (Not that I can blame you. I've always been particularly fond of enchanted sock puppets!) Thanks for answering the survey! (And I'll make a note: 1 vote for Hermione as Harry's mate) -Gives out devil horns-

Animegurl64: Thanks! -Gives out devil horns-

Heather: Thanks! You know, I just can't believe how many people actually like that chapter. I had so much trouble writing it! (At least until Melvin decided to insert himself. From there on, it ran pretty smoothly! I guess there's nothing like manic cheese to help the writing process!) -Gives out devil horns-

Lady Melime Alasse: Smallville references? I've actually never watched that show... Neat! I accidentally referenced something!!! Yeah, I don't know of any men who aren't controlled by that, either. Even the few gay males I've met are still controlled by the threat of their mother or a close female friend! (Yay women!) I find that a good indicator of insanity is when you start talking to your laundry and telling it about your day. (Not that I've done that. No...) -Gives out six pairs of devil horns, a tranquilizer gun, and 60 tranquilizer darts-

evil older sister: Thanks for answering the survey!! -Gives out devil horns-

Shadowed Rains: LMAO Thanks! For the crime of not inviting you to their wedding, I suggest that you stalk the crab and cheese, cook them both with Zataran's, and eat them! (Mmmm...cheesy cajun crab...tasty!) Sanity...Great! Now I'll have nightmares! As to the comedy, 'tis better to have tried and failed, than to be arrested for throwing cream pies at the police station. He, he, he! New minds to warp! -Gives out two pairs of devil horns-

Shea Loner: Your wish is my command! (Or possibly a box of crackers...) Anyway, look for it in the next chapter! Thanks for answering the survey! -Gives out devil horns-

Homicidal Virgin: Everybody just loves Melvin! I promise there will be more of the enchanted/radioactive cheese coming up! -Gives out devil horns-

alannah2: -blushes- Thanks! That just made my day! Anyway, there will be more of Melvin in upcoming chapters. -Gives out devil horns-


	6. Chapter Six: How to raise the dead

**Disclaimer:** ... ... ... ...Oh like you don't know it's not mine!

Chapter Six: How to wake the dead

(_Or killing off characters in two easy steps...)_

Severus took great delight in the waking of the student body. To him, there was nothing more enjoyable than causing massive group heart attacks by a combination of fog-horns, search lights, and good 'ole electrocution. Of course, the fact that the entire student body was laying in a puddle of water which just _happened_ to be hit by a minor bolt of lightning was secondary... His job for the night done, he carted the chewed Headmaster off to the special room of the infirmary reserved for just such occasions.

In other words, he dumped Dumbledore in a particularly dusty broom closet and locked the door. He was humming _Hail to the Chief_ all the way back to his rooms.

-

In another part of Hogwarts-a dank, seedy part filled with suspicious noises-a large round shape was beginning the first stages of his plan for vengeance.

Though how he was holding the quill, we'll never know...

-

After Severus left, Hermes took the opportunity to get to know his secret obsession better. Sadly, the giant squid rejected his advances.

So Hermes sent him to a kalimari festival in Japan.

"Hermes, what did you do with the squid" Harry asked suspiciously. (His hair was so naturally untidy that no one could tell it had been shocked.)

The giant rubber duck tried to look innocent. "He needed a vacation."

"Where did you send him" Draco's hair was standing up in spikes all over his head thanks in large part to his hair gel.

"Japan."

Hermione-whose hair resembled the bride of Frankenstein-smiled encouragingly. "I hear that it's lovely this time of year."

"Yes."

"Who is going to rescue the people that fall in the lake" Harry asked.

Hermes thought about it for a moment, then squeaked triumphantly. "I'll just make the rubber duck sentinent so when I leave, he'll stick around to play lifeguard" The god exited, and a giant devil-horned, make-up wearing rubber duck became the newest attraction to the lake around Hogwarts.

In Japan, ten thousand festival attendees knelt in humble thanks to the god of Kalimari for his providence.

-

The next morning, the student body dragged themselves in to breakfast feeling oddly drained. However, instead of finding plates of food waiting for them, they found letters lined up at every seat of the house tables. Harry tugged his open:

VOTE FOR THE HOTTEST GUY IN HOGWARTS!

_Who's the King of Cool? Vote for one of the choices listed below or write in your own candidate!_

Draco Malfoy

­­­­­­­­­­­­ Harry Potter

**Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel**

Other­­­­­­­­­­­

_Votes will be tabulated and announced at dinner._

Harry looked at Draco in alarm. "Please tell me you didn't take me seriously about polling the entire world"

Draco's eyes were just as wide as Harry's. "I didn't do this"

Hermione laughed at their expressions. "You made the cheese so angry it decided to hold a beauty contest" She joked. The laughter stopped abruptly as the three Slytherins looked at each other. "Merlin..." Hermione breathed.

"When I find that cheddar..." Draco came astonishingly close to Snape's scowl. The table began shaking ominously.

"Draco" Harry said placatingly"look at it this way. At least one of us will have proof to back up our claims." The table stopped shaking.

"What claims" Hermione asked suspiciously. The two boys blushed.

Fortunately, they were saved from answering by the arrival of the time tables.

Unfortunately, Severus's methods of waking had left Lockhart alive.

"Double Potions with the Gryffindors, Lunch, then Defense Against the Dark Arts" Hermione sounded annoyingly cheerful. "Isn't it nice? Our first day of school, and we already have Lockhart for class"

Harry fingered his wand thoughtfully. "Peachy..."

-

The first potions assignment of the semester was a simple draught designed to permanently change the color of the drinker's teeth to moss green. Harry and Draco looked at each other and grinned.

"So how are we going to administer this?" Harry whispered.

"We'll slip it into his drink," Draco whispered back.

"That lacks finesse. A better solution would be to tell him that it's an energy potion to help him with his tiring day," Severus whispered from behind the two. "And an even better solution would be to substitute this potion with an untraceable poison. But on the other hand, GET TO WORK!"

"I think we'll stick with plan A," Draco said lightly, then his eyes began to sparkle wickedly. "Unless you'd like to give us some Verasitaserum to slip him?"

An evil smirk graced the Potions Master's face, and he handed Draco a small vial of clear potion. "Just as long as you give it to him at dinner. I want to enjoy the results."

"Will it interfere with the one we're making?" Harry asked. Severus shook his head lightly and returned to yelling at the Gryffindors.

-

As Harry and Draco entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to find it filled with smiling pictures of Lockhart and pastel doilies they immediately decided that Gilderoy Lockhart must die. It was going to be a mercy killing, really. Draco went up to the teacher's desk and slyly dumped the teeth changing potion into the goblet there.

Hermione looked at Draco. "What did you just do?"

"Spiked Lockhart's drink with something to break the ice in the class."

Hermione's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why?"

"You saw the picture in _The Daily Prophet_."

"And I also know you both hate him."

"What's your point?"

When Gilderoy Lockhart walked into the classroom, it became apparent that he was not having a good day. "Did anyone else wake up being molested by a giant rubber duck wearing lipstick? No? Just me then. It's hard being such a sexy beast." Then he downed the goblet.

His skin became striped with green.

"I though it was a teeth-changing potion..." Harry whispered to Draco.

"It was. Before you added in chopped asparagus rather than snake skin." Draco answered mischeviously.

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"Not worth the effort." Draco grinned evilly. "Besides, this is much more interesting."

"That I'll grant you."

Hermione was incensed. "I thought you said it was an ice breaker!"

"And if any ice sees him, it will laugh so hard it'll crack itself up." Harry bopped Draco on the nose. "What was that for?"

"The very bad pun."

The green-striped Lockhart walked up beside the desk. "Is there a problem boys?"

Rumples ate him.

"Aside from that being physically impossible, nice work!" Draco congratulated.

Loki bowed. "Giant mouse or _teeeennnyy_ Lockhart? I think he's the size of a virus right now." The rubber mouse began breaking out in green stripes. "Yep." He punched himself in squeaker. "Hush in there!"

Half the class was applauding. The other half was forming a mob.

Harry looked around worriedly. "Loki...I think you might need to spit him back out...apparently he has actual fans..."

Rumples grumbled something incoherently. "Hermes can't eat the Headmaster. I can't eat Lockhart. Ate can't eat peanuts..."

"Why not?"

"Food allergy."

"Gods have those?"

"They do if they piss off the God of Peanuts."

"Are you allergic to peanuts?"

"Rutebagas...Don't ask."

"I wasn't going to."

The mouse spat out the annoying one onto a pile of papers and resized him.

Lockhart blinked dazedly. "Oh! I was just about to hand out the quizzes!" The large pieces of bright pink paper contained these questions:

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite brand of Shampoo?

3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

4. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

5. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite song?

When Loki got done with them, they read like this:

**Answer Key**

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's second color? Moss Green (See his stripes)

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite brand of toupee? Moose-Head Toupees for Men

3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition? One day he hopes to stop wasting oxygen.

4. What achievement, if any, has Gilderoy Lockhart not taken credit for from someone else? The Fall of Rome

5. True or False: Did Gilderoy Lockhart star in _Dumb and Dumber?_ If False, should he have? False. And Yes. He should also have directed it.

Lockhart looked like he was about to start ranting at the class. ("Harry, quick" Draco whispered. Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it from under the desk. "_Nopilosus Totalus!_") Gilderoy ran out of the room crying.

Hermione-and half the class-rounded on the two boys. "HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU DESTROY LOCKHART'S FLOWING LOCKS! WASN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU GAVE HIM STRIPES, ALLOWED A MOUSE TO CHEW AND SWALLOW HIM, THEN EMBARRASSED HIM WITH THAT ALTERED QUIZ! YOU TWO ARE SOOO..." The tranquilizer dart in Hermione's back finally took effect and the bookworm slumped over onto her desk.

Sirius shouldered the gun from the doorway. "Quick boys! Before she wakes up!"

The two boys made a break for it. "How did you know we needed help?"

Sirius pointed to where Jinx was sitting smugly with her tail wrapped around his neck. "Ate called in the calvary. Nice work by the way." Remus cleared his throat lightly from behind the three. "I mean, 'That was very wrong boys, and you should never do something like that again without adult supervision!" Remus cleared his throat again. "And an ambulance standing by."

"What Sirius means" Remus interrupted, glaring at his mate"is 'That was very wrong boys, and you should never do that again. There are better ways."

Draco grinned. "Like slipping verasitaserum into his drink?"

"Precisely." Remus blinked. "When?"

"Tonight."

"Does Severus know?"

"Where do you think we got it from?" Harry asked smugly. The Marauders grinned at each other and went to prepare questions.

-

Dinner was a fascinating affair. Ginny Weasley entered the Great Hall wearing a cheese wedge hat and carrying a scroll. She cast a sonorous charm on herself: **Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great priviledge to announce that the winner of this morning's poll is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel!**

"You haven't even opened the scroll!" Draco protested-along with one hundred other students.

Ginny opened the scroll. **The winner of this morning's poll is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel!**

"You didn't look at it!"

Ginny glanced at the scroll. **Obey the cheese!**

Draco marched up to the youngest Weasley and took the scroll. "That's not what it says!" Then he read it again and fainted.

**Obey the cheese!**

Harry rushed forward to the fallen blonde and shook him. "Draco? Draco!"

Gray eyes fluttered open and stared at him maliciously. "I am going to wring your neck, Potter!"

"Why?"

"READ THE SCROLL!"

Harry read it. Then he laughed himself silly.

"YOU TIED WITH A ROUND OF CHEDDAR!"

"Yes, you nitwit! And you won!"

**Obey the cheese!**

Jinx ate Ginny.

No one objected.

McGonagall stood up. "I have an announcement to make," She adjusted her hat imperiously and continued. "Due to the Headmaster's sudden disappearance, Gilderoy Lockhart will be filling in for Headmaster Dumbledore until he can be located. Let's all give him a big round of applause."

Half of Hogwarts applauded while the other half formed a lynch mob.

Lockhart took a sip of pumpkin juice to clear his throat.

"Headmaster Lockhart," Severus said suddenly, "is it true that you did everything you wrote in your books?"

"No." Lockhart looked horrified and slightly dazed.

"But you wrote them."

"No. I had a ghost writer do them."

"So you faked authorship of a series of books about faked accomplishments"

"Yes." The students began grumbling ominously.

"Isn't it true that while attending Hogwarts your grades were worse than Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Martha Stewart?"

"No."

"You should meet her. I think you would both get along famously. She could teach you how to make a beautiful mail box cozy out of a dead squirrel and six hundred dollars of taffeta ribbon."

"Our turn," Sirius interrupted. "Who is the sexiest person in Hogwarts?"

"Severus Snape."

It turned out looks _could_ kill.

-

_Somewhere in a nearby world reserved for the Gods:_

"As much as I hate to say this, Gilderoy Lockhart is necessary for the continuation of the plot." Zeus said thundrously.

"I agree" said Jupiter. Then Zeus and Jupiter looked at each other and the universe imploded.

-

_Somewhere in Arkansas a medicated author glared menacingly at her sqeak toy collection:_ "STOP DOING THAT!"

_The universe unimploded itself._

-

"As I was saying," Hera said, speaking before Zeus or Jupiter could so much as open their mouths. "Ate, spit out the Weasley girl somewhere. Hades, go revive Lockhart. Morpheus, put everyone to bed, and calm down Severus Snape. Jerry, CONTROL YOUR CHEESE WHEEL!"

And so it was done.

-

_Somewhere in the Sahara Desert:_

"Mom?...Dad?...Ron?"

-

"ATE!"

-

I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE MAJOR DELAY ON THIS CHAPTER! I won't go into details, but let's just say that due to a long string of unfortunate events and wacky misadventures it's taken me much longer than I thought it would to do this. Fortunately-or unfortunately depending on how you look at it-I managed to get a bad case of bronchitis which has given me enough time to do the medicated _third _version of Chapter Six which you see here. -Medicated here means I'm chock full of codine. Can you tell? Also, I'm beginning to think this chapter has something of a curse on it...this one looks nothing like the first two versions of the chapter where all the characters managed to survive...-

Also, for some reason, I can't get the punctuation to work on this chapter either. So please feel free to ignore the punctuation errors.

Anyway, a big thank you to all of the reviewers. Reading these makes me feel so much better!

Xenocide: Yeah, I know! I find that cough syrup tends to aggrivate the condition... wiggles finger at bottle...realizes it's a toothpick... -Gives out large bottle of chocolate syrup-

Nahirta: Floods of peanut butter? Why not chocolate syrup? I could happily drown in chocolate syrup... I'm glad you like the giant rubber ducky. I think it will be a permanent fixture. especially considering I just fed the giant squid to a kalimari convention... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Opalish: Thanks! I'm blushing right now, but I doubt you can tell... Oh and you're right. Severus does sound like Eeyore-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

evil manda: Thanks-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

deni1073: Thanks! Glad you like it-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Shadowface: Oh n...O...Oh...Oh no! It's Yoko Ono! Sorry, just had to say it... Is it lethal? Maybe I can give it to someone I don't like... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Kaaera: Wow! People actually admit they read this! Does embarrasingly uncoordinated dance that ends abruptly when the cat jumps on her back. Ow... I'm bleeding, but I'm happy! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to feed Snow... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Signeus: A scattershot gatling gun would be so cool! Just imagine all the deer hunting you could get done with one! I can't hit the broad side of a large factory, normally, but with an automatic shotgun, who needs to-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Night-Owl123: Thanks. Sorry again for the delay. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Wyccegurl: Thanks! Wow...that's the second bone-headed mistake I've made so far... Fortunately, since it's AU, I can always claim I meant to do that! Of course, I'll have to deny ever writing this reply, then erase the paper trail, buy off all the witnesses, change my name, move to Canada... Hmmm, too complicated! I'll just go take a nap. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Shadowed Rains: Sounds yummy! Did you make sure to get non-radioactive cheese? Or do you now have three heads-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup and a Do-It-Yourself Amputation Kit-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Er...sorry? Six inch needles hurt... On the bright side, you can put on a fake mustache and substitute someone else to get shot in your place-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Smiley Face3: Well, so far so good! It turns out I don't have an actual "voice" for Ginny yet, which means she'll continue to be tortured until I do! (And probably for a long time afterward!) Hmmm...a party... There could be dancing on the ceiling... Whacks herself over the head with a shoe I feel better now-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Lady Melime Alasse: Their wives. No contest. I have yet to meet a man who can stand up to a truly determined woman. How's the tranquilizer supply? I'll give you some refills just in case... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup and 600 pack of tranquilizer darts with an extra tranquilizer gun for your sister-

athenakitty: Yep! Dumbledore's one hundred percent itchy pants! You can make as many hard copies as you like. After all, it's your paper... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Circe Visigoth: Yay! Sock of Doom! Does it have a mustache and a bad toupee? Takes Sock of Doom to her cat Snow, meet your new partner in crime! Sock of Doom-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

alannah2: He he he! Yes, the lamp and Mr. Sanchez must avenge themselves! Now all I have to do is think of how... Well, something will come, I'm sure... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Somehow I doubt the squid would consider being friends with the duck now... But I bet Hagrid will have a lot of fun with Mr. Quackers-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Drake Smythe: ROFL! (Everything ish funnier with cough syrup!) Love the review-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Fluffy Sun: My comps fine, thanks, but I'm insane! (Which is different as opposed to when?) -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Heather: Thanks-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

Treck: Thanks! I've never been much of a Hedwig fan either. Hmmm...maybe a stuffed dragon with fire-breathing capabilities... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

evil older sister: Thanks so much! I'm blushing-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-

mossybabe77: Wow...that's one of the most intellectual sounding reviews I've had... Thanks. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-


	7. Chapter Seven: Knock 'em down and Set 'e...

**Disclaimer: **"Waiter, there are monkeys in my soup" "Of course there are. It's seafood."

Chapter Seven: Knock 'em down and Set 'em up

The first shots of this year's prank war were fired the next morning at breakfast when Ravenclaw donned grey uniforms, armed themselves with squeaky plastic hammers, and attacked the blue clad Hufflepuffs.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at the two boys across from her. "Is there something you two want to tell me"

Draco gave her an angelic smile. "We're educating the student body on the American Civil War." Behind Draco, the Hufflepuffs were putting up a valiant resistance with their water guns. "This is the Battle of Gettysburg." Hermione smiled slightly and returned to her reading.

The Ravenclaws upended the Gryffindor table to use as a shield. Unfortunately, the Gryffindors weren't happy.

"THAT WAS MY BREAKFAST!" Ron roared. "Come on, Gryffindors. Grab a weapon!" And Gryffindor House, armed with sausage links, led a fierce charge against the Ravenclaws, overrunning them.

Harry grinned. "Note to self: never come between Ron and food."

Justin Finch-Fletchley was standing atop the Hufflepuff table delivering the Gettysburg Address.

"It's not historically accurate, but I like it!" Draco said happily. "Let's go to Herbology."

-

Harry was stopped outside the Herbology classroom by none other than Gilderoy Lockhart. The blonde buffon gave his most nauseatingly charming smile to Professor Sprout. "You don't mind if I borrow Harry for a few minutes, do you? That's a lamb."

Professor Sprout's lips thinned slightly. "We'll be in Greenhouse Three today, Harry. Come when you're done." Harry only barely restrained himself from begging her to stay.

"Harry" Lockhart shook his head lightly. "Harry, Harry, Harry."

_I'd kill him but Hera's forbidden it, _Ate said apologetically in the back of Harry's mind. _Apparently he's necessary for something._

"Don't know when I've been more shocked" Lockhart continued. "Flying a duck to Hogwarts. Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it."

"Because the barrier sealed itself?" Harry asked flippantly.

"Harry, Harry, Harry..._I understand._ Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste.-and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head."

"Tasting rubber duck goes to your head? And when did you give me this taste of rubber duck?"

"See here, young man, you can't start _flying ducks_ to try and get yourself noticed."

"That's good because they don't have an engines or keys."

"Plenty of time for that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!'"

"So only internationally famous wizards can fly rubber ducks...Well, I guess I'm alright then."

"But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"What is _with_ you!"

"I know, I know-it's not quite as good as winning _Witch Weekly_'s Most-Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have-but it's a _start_, Harry, it's a _start_." He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off.

Harry raised weary, exasperated eyes to the sky with a look of long suffering patience. "Ate, this afternoon we are finding Dumbldore and letting him out."

"Why?" Rumples asked petulantly.

"As long as he's missing, Lockhart is in charge. And besides, we need some of his hair for the wand potion." Harry headed into the greenhouse and took his place between Hermione and Draco. Across from him were Ron, Neville, and Seamus.

Professor Sprout gave him a sympathetic glance as he walked in. "Today, class, we will be repotting mandrakes. Now, who can tell me the properties of a mandrake plant?"

It was Neville who answered. "Mandrake is used to cure people who've been petrified, but it's cry is fatal to any who hear it. It's also known as Mandragora."

"Excellent, Longbottom! Take ten points." Neville beamed. "Now class, put on your ear muffs and don't take them off until I do." Then Professor Sprout grabbed one of the tufty little green plants and gave it a swift yank. Out popped the ugliest baby Harry had ever seen. It was muddy and brown and crying, and Harry was very glad when Professor Sprout shoved it into a bigger pot and piled dirt on it. He was less than thrilled when he had to repot them himself.

-

Charms with the Ravenclaws was directly after Herbology, and the three Slytherins knew they were in trouble when they walked in and saw Sirius and an amused-looking Remus wearing top hats and tails. "Today we will be learning how to tap dance," Sirius announced happily. Then he transfigured everyone's clothing into versions of costumes a la' Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. "The charm is _tarantellegra_." He waved his wand, and the room was filled with the happy strains of _The Continental_. "Now pair off and get started!"

Harry paired off with Hermione while Draco grabbed a Ravenclaw named Luna Lovegood, and the four spent the next hour doing dance routines that would make any instructor proud while Sirius and Remus demonstrated spinning steps and the proper use of canes as props.

Afterward, everyone collapsed in the Great Hall for lunch.

Sirius turned to an exhausted Remus and smiled. "Sometimes I think it should be illegal to love my job this much."

-

After lunch, the three Slytherins headed to Transfiguration to change beetles into buttons. Then they went Dumbledore hunting.

"Are you sure Severus said he was in a closet?" Hermione asked.

"Yes," Draco sighed. "Somewhere on the first floor."

Harry leaned back against a wall. "Let's look at this logically. Severus obviously wouldn't go out of his way to stuff Dumbledore in a broom closet, so it's probably somewhere along the path to the dungeons."

Hermione and Draco nodded. "That makes sense, but there are still two paths to the dungeons."

"So we check both."

"Or" Jinx-currently possessed by Bast-piped up from Harry's pocket, "you could let me track him by scent." The little rubber snake set off down a corridor, flicking it's little red tongue out in front of it as it went. "Hmmm...there's catnip in here!" Bast said and slithered under a classroom door. She returned moments later looking _very_ happy. "I like bunny fur. Harry, do you have any bunny fur? Or string? I like string, too! Come, oh warm little can openers! What was I doing again?"

"You were tracking Dumbledore," Harry said patiently.

"Okay! Does Dumbledore have bunny fur and string? Can I sharpen my claws on him? Does he have tuna? I like tuna."

"You don't have claws at the moment, Bast."

The little snake turned in a circle looking at itself. "ACK! Someone's stolen my claws! Help! Call the warm can openers with guns!"

This was too much for Draco. He slumped against the wall laughing so hard he was crying. Bast slithered up his chest and glared at him. "This isn't funny! Give me bunny fur! Now!"

Hermione scooped up the little snake and transfigured it into a stuffed cat. "There. Is that better?"

Jinx purred loudly and bounded off down the corridor. "I really hope she's following Dumbledore's scent," Harry said with a sigh.

They found her sitting in front of a door and holding a conversation. "Hello in there! Do you have tuna?"

Dumbledore's voice drifted through the door. "No. Can you let me out, please?"

"Do you have bunny fur?"

"No."

"What about string?"

"No."

"I don't like you." The goddess thrust one paw under the door, attempting to scratch the Headmaster.

"Please let me out!"

"No! Bad can opener!"

Harry picked up the errant Goddess and held her while Hermione _alohamora_'d the door. Dumbledore emerged looking haggard, old, and smelly. He was discreetly scratching his posterior.

"Thank you so much, children!" he said just as Draco used a cutting hex on his hair. "Thirty points to Slytherin." Then he tottered off towards the kitchens.

Bast looked up from cleaning her paw. "Where's my tuna?"

-

Thanks so much for all the reviews! And a big thanks to everyone who has put me on their favorites list and author alert!

Signeus: Thanks, but as far as humor goes, I'm fine as long as I manage to avoid deleting chapters. :) I'll tell you what, since you're msg address doesn't seem to want to display the last part of itself, why don't you just email me at ginorge (Hopefully that will display correctly...) -Hands out catnip mouse-

YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Here's Bast! Actually, she's shown up once before during the chapter with the mountain troll, but it was a rather small part. Sorry, no castration yet, but that's not a bad idea-Hands out catnip mouse-

Kaaera: Thanks! Actually, there was voting, and the funniest part of it was that Draco really did tie with Melvin! I was laughing myself silly while I was writing that scene. -Hands out catnip mouse-

Blackedout: Thanks. I'm feeling much better now. :) -Hands out catnip mouse-

lmill123: Thank you-Hands out catnip mouse-

Night-Owl123: Ooohhh! Don't you just love those sorts of freaky coincidences? Like just today, I was thinking about pizza, and lo and behold, I ate some! (Though your coincidence is probably more impressive...) -Hands out catnip mouse-

Angered Thoughts: Thanks! I recommend lining the floor and walls of your room with pillows. It's much safer-Hands out catnip mouse-

opalish: Yes, it does! But I wanted to wait and put them in the next chapter. You're using chocolate syrup to dye your hair? Blasphemy-Hands out catnip mouse and pamphlet on Chocolatology-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Hmmm...capture all the toothpaste... But that would enrage the dental community! And there's nothing scarier than an angry dentist... Instead of toothpaste, why not take control of all the cable companies? Then you could broadcast subliminal messages and have a meerkat elected ruler of the world. As long as you own the meerkat, you're sitting pretty-Hands out catnip mouse-

Lady Melime Alasse: I don't think anyone would notice if your brothers were covered in paint splotches...and if they did, they would likely place the blame squarely on their shoulders! Have you considered using a stun gun-Hands out catnip mouse-

Smiley Face3: I still want a hypnotoad... (pouts) Do they come in purple-Hands out catnip mouse-

Nahirta: Thanks. Yeah, it does... -hands out catnip mouse and jar of peanut butter-

Drake Smythe: Yeah, I have a feeling this is going to stick around until the weather evens out. Hmm...a duel? That's an interesting idea...maybe draco can be wielding a cheese grater, and Melvin can have a can of hair spray and a cigarette lighter... -Hands out catnip mouse-

Anon Junky: Boy do I hear you! Aphrodite is scary when she's had too much chocolate. -Hands out catnip mouse-

athenakitty: I think Snape is probably wishing he'd used a higher voltage. -grins- Next chapter: Ginny and the lamp-Hands out catnip mouse-

debz: Yep! The great thing about this resurrection business is that I can kill him multiple times-Hands out catnip mouse-

WJENKSREADER: Thanks! You're welcome-Hands out catnip mouse-

DeathlyNightshade: Yeah, me too-Hands out catnip mouse-

ClassicDrogn: NO! NOT AN AARDVARK-Hands out catip mouse-

Shadowface-bows- Thanks-Hands out catnip mouse-

DeathlyNightshade: Thank you. I hope you liked this chapter!


	8. Chapter Eight: A Commotion and a Potion

**Disclaimer:** I've discovered the joys of a Russel Stover store. You are warned.

AN: If you haven't already done so, I recommend reading the short _Ginny in the Desert_. It comes before this chapter, and it helps to explain the first section. Reviews for Chapter Seven were answered in the short. Reviews from the short are answered at the bottom. Now, on with the story!

Chapter Eight: A Commotion and a Potion

Ginny Weasley entered the Great Hall over a week after Ate had eaten her and promptly announced herself a "Smurfy Goddess". It was one of the high points of an otherwise uneventful week, as the diminutive first year proceeded to lecture at length on the unfairness of international copyright laws and the dangers of embroidery.

"And finally, " the red-head concluded, "I would like to ask why embroidery hoops must be circular. A circle is the bane of existence when you are lost, and squares are only slightly improved. Embroidery hoops should follow the shape of magic bunnies! So decrees Ginny, Goddess of the Smurfs!" She marched out of the hall to laughter, applause, and calls for an encore.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "That was...enlightening."

"I wonder where she's been?" Hermione mused. "That whole spiel about needle size and orc feet seemed significant."

"She also mentioned a camel," Harry pointed out. "So she was probably in a jungle."

"Or a petting zoo." Draco grinned. "Now! On to tonight's business!" The blond turned to Hermione. "Is everything set up?"

Hermione nodded. "The hydra blood had to have a stasis spell on it to keep it from congealing, but everything else is fine. Are you two absolutely sure this is legal?"

Two looks of wide-eyed innocence greeted the bookworm. "Of course!" the boys chorused.

Hermione, smart girl that she was, remained skeptical.

>

"Ewww!" Draco was understandably upset at the location Hermione had chosen for the brewing. "These faucets are completely seventeenth century!"

"Why are we in a bathroom, Hermione?" Harry was ignoring the blonde's decorator critique. ("And the tiles! Could they have chosen a color more suggestive of puke!")

"Because no one ever comes in here," Hermione said simply. "It's haunted." ("These mirrors fail to reflect the full extent of my flaxen hair!")

"So's the rest of the castle," Harry pointed out. ("Wooden stalls? Are we in an outhouse!")

"But not by Moaning Myrtle." (And the floor! The floor couldn't be filthier if a plague of dust bunnies was called down to attack it!")

Harry achieved a rare look of enlightenment. "Touche." He blinked and turned to the still ranting blond. "A plague of dust bunnies?"

Draco stopped his inspection for a moment and sniffed delicately. "Plagues of dust bunnies are very dangerous, you know."

"We should use that on Pansy, then." The two grinned at each other.

"Honestly! It's like taking care of three year olds!" Hermione mumbled before clearing her throat. "Pranks later. Potion now."

The potion they had devised was fairly complex, requiring approximately two hours to make...if you were Snape and had ten potions apprentices (read "slaves") working for you. It took anyone else twelve days. There was only one rule concerning the brewing that had to be considered: Harry wasn't allowed to touch or add the more complicated ingredients.

"Why is it that you won't let me dice the fire bloom?" Harry complained.

"Because when we were buying it, you accidentally set the store-keeper's hair on fire with it." Draco said patiently. "Which was funny, but wrong."

"It's just a good thing he had that tank full of kelpies nearby to duck into," Hermione added. "And the healing potion for the kelpie bites."

"And the anti-venom for when Harry handed him the vial of poison instead of the healing potion."

"And the assistant for when he collapsed from the venom."

"And the respirator for when the anti-venom caused his face to swell up."

"And the floo for when he had to be taken to St. Mungo's."

"OKAY!" Harry interjected. "I get it! But that was just the one time!"

"You're forgetting what you did to the assistant when you were handling the anemones," Hermione noted.

"How was I to know they could paralyze people!"

"You could have read the big sign by the tank saying: CAUTION! ANEMONE STINGERS MAY CAUSE PARALYSIS IF TOUCHED!" Draco said lightly. "Now be a good boy and chop up the aconite."

Harry sulked for the rest of the night.

>

Fortunately for the trio, Moaning Myrtle was on vacation for the next three days. Unfortunately, that still left them with nine days until the potion was completed, and like all truly annoying people (or ghosts, as the case may be), Moaning Myrtle insisted upon showing the Slytherins slides of her vacation. Repeatedly.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Myrtle said with a sort of wistful, whimpering sigh. "It's the world's largest toilet! The U-bend is so roomy!"

Harry couldn't contain himself. "Myrtle, why did you go on vacation if you were only going to visit another toilet?"

Myrtle had a mood swing.

"ANOTHER TOILET!" She shrieked in Harry's ear. "THIS is not just a TOILET! It's art, you illiterate, insensitive, uncouth nincompoop! This is the culmination of thousands of years worth of plumbing achievement! The ancient Greeks could only dream of creating such beauty!"

"Myrtle, I think you're over-reacting," Hermione said gently. The ghost let out an offended wail and flew out of the bathroom, screaming and crying.

"And I thought Harry was good at stating the obvious," Draco deadpanned.

Hermione shrugged. "At least it got her out of the bathroom." No one disagreed.

>

Sunday morning, Pansy Parkinson ran out of the girls' dormitories covered in fuzzy gray things. Ate, watching from Rumples, was very confused. "Harry, Draco, when did you two do that?"

The boys glanced at each other. "We didn't."

Hermione walked into the common room with a happy bounce in her step. "Good morning!"

"Have you seen Parkinson?" the squeak toy failed miserably at trying to sound innocent.

"Yep! She used up all the hot water in the showers again." The bookworm frowned slightly.

"And the gray fuzzy things?"

"I can get cranky when I haven't had any coffee." Then she skipped to the great hall.

"But that was our idea!" Draco pouted.

"Don't press the issue until she's had coffee," Harry advised. Draco contented himself with turning Blaise into a walking pickle.

>

"Whatcha doin' Draco?" Myrtle had developed a crush on the blond.

"Boiling babies."

"Ewwww!" Draco, in turn, had discovered that the ghost was even more literal than Ron. "Isn't that illegal?"

"Not in Bangladesh."

"We're not in Bangladesh." Myrtle was frowning thoughtfully.

"Hogwarts is a territory of Bangladesh. Didn't you know?"

"It is not!"

"Is too! It was founded by primitive Bangladeshis about a thousand years ago in an attempt to take over England by subverting the educational system, but the English didn't have a use for underwater basket-weaving, so they eventually turned it into a magic school." Hermione and Harry were starting to turn purple from holding back the laughter.

"What about the four founders?"

"They adopted English names when they came here. It was just another part of the plot. Originally they were called Rafiki, Hugara, Gilvanist, and The Amazing Hupta Brothers.'

"But if there were brothers, then there were more than four founders..."

"Not really. Salazar Slytherin had multiple personalities. One was called Bob."

Myrtle's eyes widened with enlightenment. "I'm going to go to the library and look up the customs of Bangladesh!" When she flew away, she was almost cheerful.

The laughter from the bathroom echoed down the second floor. "Bob!" Hermione choked out.

Draco nodded wisely. "Any story can be improved by containing a character named Bob. Mr. Tinkles is also a good choice."

Harry snapped his fingers excitedly. "That's it! That's Ron's new nickname!"

Hermione blinked. "Bob?"

"No! Mr. Tinkles!"

The bookworm giggled. "You realize that a nickname like that will follow him for the rest of his life?"

"That's why it's such a great name! If he ever runs for a public office, he can use it on his campaign posters!" Draco warmed up to his subject. "Vote for Mr. Tinkles! The word of mouth alone would get him elected! He could even have his own jingle!

_If the ministry's a bunch of nincompoops_

_with brains made out of jellied fruits,_

_who can iron out all its wrinkles?_

_You should vote for Mr. Tinkles!_

It sells itself!"

Harry nodded. "Really, 'mione, he'll thank us later!"

The bookworm wisely gave up.

>

That night as they were heading from Myrtle's bathroom to the dungeons, they encountered something odd. Percy Weasley was standing in the middle of the first floor corridor holding a bucket of red paint and a large brush and wearing a cheese wedge hat. "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. BEWARE THE CHEESE!" was written on the wall. The paint was still wet.

Hermione approached the prefect slowly. "Percy? Are you feeling well?" She poked him lightly. "Percy?" The red-head didn't respond, so she kneed him in the crotch. "I think he's frozen."

Harry and Draco winced. "For his sake, I hope so!" the brunette said sympathetically.

"'Mione, you can't just go around kneeing guys who won't talk to you in the jewels!" Draco complained. "It's not...polite."

"Polite?" Harry was incredulous. "That's the best word you can come up with?"

"After what she did to Percy, I'm not taking any chances!"

"If you two don't be quite, you'll wish you hadn't said anything!" Hermione said impatiently. She was busily inspecting the Percy statue for signs of what had happened.  
"I don't see any puncture marks, and there's no signs of unfriendly hexes..."

Professor Snape came billowing around the corner. "What's going on here?"

"Something's frozen Percy, Professor. I've performed several tests, but he's unresponsive."

Snape glanced at the wall, then circled the red-head. "Draco, tell me what is wrong with this picture," he demanded.

"Weasley's hat clashes with his hair," Draco answered promptly.

"Precisely!" Snape waved his wand, and the Percy statue was suddenly wearing a black bowler. "Now what's wrong?"

"He's blocking traffic in the corridor."

"Ten points to Slytherin."

Ron walked past the Slytherins on his way to dinner. He stopped in front of Percy. "Oi, Percy! I've been meaning to ask you if I could borrow a pair of socks. Scabbers chewed holes in mine, again." The red-head waited patiently for a response. "Fine, ignore me you git!" He bit out.

"Your brother's been petrified, Mr. Tinkles," Harry said gravely.

Ron blinked. "Well why didn't he say so! Gee!" Then he walked off to dinner. He stopped halfway down the corridor. "Who's Mr. Tinkles?" he called back.

"You!"

"Oh, okay." He continued on to the Great Hall.

Severus blinked. "He's an exceptional specimen of block-head. I'll give him that." Then the snarky professor levitated Percy and walked off down the corridor.

"I hope Percy doesn't end up in a broom closet," Hermione said worriedly.

"This after she ruins any chances for his future progeny," Draco muttered to Harry. Harry nodded discretely as they went to dinner.

>

When the potion was finally completed, the entire second floor smelled like boiled cabbage. Draco sighed morosely. "This is never going to come out of my clothes!"

"Meanwhile," Hermione said in a brilliant change of subject. "We need to test the potion on something. Lucky for us, I snitched Percy's wand last night."

Harry blinked. "We're a bad influence on you..."

"Well it's not like he's going to need it anytime soon!" So saying, the bookworm dolled out a portion of the potion into a long beaker, added one of Lockhart's hairs and Percy's wand, and shook well. The solution gave an ominous fizzle.

"Is that good or bad?" Harry asked.

"Depends. If it works, it's good. If it ate Percy's wand, I'll have Father buy a replacement."

"So it's irrelevant?"

"Pretty much."

Hermione poured out the solution in a sink and picked up the still-intact wand with a gloved hand. "_Apare Floras!_" Bright pink flowers bloomed on the floor of the bathroom.

"ACK! PINK!" Draco was horrified.

"The wand is undamaged," Hermione was ignoring him. "_Revelo Signeum!_" A shining image of Gilderoy Lockhart appeared from the tip of Percy's wand. The bookworm sighed appreciatively. "It works."

"But why did you have to test it in PINK!"

"Don't you like flowers?"

"Pink isn't even last season! It's ten season's ago!"

Harry blinked. "Sometimes I worry about you, Draco."

A few minutes later, the wands had been doused in solution and the two boys were happily planning how best to exploit Dumbledore's signature-and the extra hairs they had saved. Hermione was mooning over her wand, which she had treated with another of Lockhart's hairs.

Draco twirled his wand between his fingers. "Do you think we could frame him for turning Minister Fudge into a rutebega?"

>

Hey, everyone! Good news! The doctors are finally doing blood tests to see why I've been having so much trouble over the past few months. They were convinced of the necessity of this after I managed to stay awake for ten days straight, which broke my old record of nine days (set two years ago). **-**Cheers for Ambien- I should get the results back Friday. The good news is that they think it's a thyroid problem. The bad news is that it took them five vials of blood to check. (Shudders at the thought of the needle) The good news on that is that they took the blood on the tenth day I was awake, so I didn't feel it! (I just had to see it... :( ) Anyway, a big thanks to everyone who's reviewed! You guys are great! And an even bigger thanks for everyone's patience! -This includes you, Sig! Did I send you an email last week? I can't remember... Of course, if I did, I doubt it was coherent. :)-

DeathlyNightshade: Thanks! Yeah, I believe that was the summer before third year. Maybe Ginny can give them a tour! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

Smiley Face3: Awww! I'm sorry! Don't cry! -hands you a tissue- See? All nice and updated! -sets hypnotoad to: Calm Reviewer- You will hear my voice, and only my voice! Except that I'm typing this, and you have no idea what I sound like... Okay, Plan B! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

Lady Melime Alasse- Woot! That definitely has possibilities! Of course, now I'll have to name one of them Bob... (short side note: everytime I meet someone named Bob, I can't say their name without giggling. Now if only I could meet a Bob Tinkles! Lol!) Wow, no driving 'til 21? Ouch! And attempted arranged marriages? Double ouch! Suddenly I'm very happy that we're living in the twentieth century, with all the accompanying legal precedents. At least your army boyfriend could always cart you off in a humvee or something, though I bet your dad's really nice. Just a little old fashioned... -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

athenakitty: I doubt anything could make Ginny more logical at the moment, which is why Bill didn't try to get a more rational explanation out of her. :) -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-


	9. Chapter Nine: Breaking the Insults

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. I also don't own any hairy greenhouse workers or any particularly fuzzy artists whose primary medium is clay. This is a source of great distress to me whenever I run out of decorative jars to plant catnip in. Another great source of distress is that I don't own Alan Rickman's collected works, but I'll live.

_blah_ -emotes

Chapter Nine: Breaking the Insults

Percy was very fortunate in that he had frozen in the perfect position to be used as a coat rack. That was why he was currently residing in the teacher's lounge holding Professor Vector's coat, hat, and scarf as well as the little kerchief Professor Flitwick used on weekends to disguise his male pattern baldness from the people in Hogsmead. Not that they didn't know about it, mind you...

When Madame Pomfrey first entered the teacher's lounge following Percy's paralysis, she fussed for all of one minute before Professor McGonagall pointed out that there was nothing to be done for him until the mandrakes were ready, and at least this way he was serving a useful purpose. Then they retrieved a few choice supplies from their rooms and gave him a makeover.

The fun with Percy continued on for several days. Sirius and Remus created a fountain in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch and placed him in the center of it, makeup and all. At night, the fountain changed colors and played the theme from Star Wars. This did more to terrify the students about getting petrified than the initial reports of Percy's attack.

So Ate and Bast decided to help.

Their plan was enacted on the night of Halloween when the students and teachers of Hogwarts walked into the Great Hall only to discover a very human looking Ate, a large black cat, and a banner proclaiming "First annual insult contest! One hundred Galleon Grand Prize!" Sadly for the majority of the student body, the contest was open to teachers as well as students, which meant Professor Snape had the very unfair advantage of being a naturally snarky bastard. Plus the students were all terrified of him.

Harry was understandably worried for the safety of the rest of Hogwarts. "Wow! One hundred Galleons!"

"We aren't going to play favorites, you know," Ate said as sternly as she could while grinning.

"Aww nuts!"

**Round One: **

Terry Boot (to Ron): Your mother's so obese that the doors of her domicile are too small to accommodate her!

Ate: Ronald Weasley is disqualified for use of overt violence. Boot, you're disqualified too!

Boot: Why?

Ate: Because we don't like you. And your name rhymes with foot!

Boot: No it doesn't! It rhymes with hoot, coot, toot, smoot, whoot...

Bast (to Ate): I'm surprised Ron figured out what that meant so fast... (Shoot, root...)

Ate: Don't be. He was just responding to the first two words. (lute, suit, moot...) Sit down and shut up, foot boy!

Ginny (to Snape): Your robes are unflattering to your figure, your hair resembles an oily warthog, and the magic bunny doesn't like you.

Snape: You're an inconsequential lunatic whose time would be better spent modeling paper bags. Trust me, the world would thank you for it.

Bast: _purr_

Ate: Both of you may go to the next round.

Harry (to Neville): If you were any clumsier, the Ministry would perform experiments on you. Used duct tape has more personality.

Neville: _cries_

Harry: I didn't mean it! Honest! It's only for the contest Neville, really!

Neville: Promise? _Harry nods enthusiastically._ Okay.

Ate: We were going to give you bonus points for making him cry, but we had to take them away when you apologized.

Harry: Am I still in the contest?

Ate: Yep! Neville's been eliminated because he's an emotional wuss, though.

Neville: _starts crying again_

**Round Two:**

Hermione (to Parkinson): Your hygiene is substandard, your laugh resembles a hyena with diarrhea, and I've seen better eyes on a cave fish!

Parkinson: Yeah? Well you're a nerdy bookworm!

Ate: That's the best you can come up with! _Bast turns Pansy into a bunny fur mouse and bats her around the Great Hall._

Draco (to Blaise): You're a disgrace to the chimpanzee community. And I think now would be an excellent time to point out that the Zabinis are the makers of the QuikSpell line of products for squibs. patent Malfoy smirk I think their source of inspiration is obvious.

Blaise: Your father likes to fool around with farm animals!

Draco: _raised eyebrow_ Really? I'll tell him you think so.

Blaise: _gulp_

Bast: _Begins batting around a Slytherin colored tinkle ball_

Draco: Can we keep him like that?

Ate: Only for tonight.

Sirius (to Dumbledore-who abstained from the contest): I bet the school would just love to hear about your Depends and your perpetually itchy posterior! Every time I look at you, I'm reminded of the time the Marauders turned Professor Binns into a pile of rotting ooze. He was much better looking!

Ate: Siri, I'm pretty sure the school would prefer _not_ to hear about Dumbledore's behind... otherwise, good job! We'll ignore that you were supposed to be insulting Remus.

Remus: He's scared of what I'll do to him if he hurts my feelings this close to going to bed. (to Sirius, _glaring lightly_) Isn't that right, my cute little snooglie-oogliepoo!

Sirius: _cowed _Yes, dear!

Bast: I'd say Remus won that one...

**Round Three:**

Severus (to Hermione): Miss Granger, you made a B on the last potions essay.

Hermione: Nooo! _faints_

Severus: _smirk_

Ginny (to Remus): You remind me of Godzilla, but uglier and wimpy. PIGGY MAILBOX!

Remus: Your magic bunny wants to eat you.

Ginny: I'll get you magic bunny! _runs to dormitory to retrieve sword_

Ate (to Remus): Ooohh...you're good!

Harry (to the Weasley twins): Since Ron's new name is Mr. Tinkles, I've decided to call you Foo Foo and Rasputin.

Fred and George: That's fine mate!

Peachy!

But you should know

your hair's a rat warren,

you're crazier than a rabid wombat,

and your nose is

shaped like a toucan.

Harry: The whole toucan, or just its beak?

Forge: The whole toucan.

Harry: Well that's alright then...

Bast: Err...Harry...I don't know how to tell you this...

Ate: You've won a free tub of chocolate ice cream!_ rushed _And the twins are moving on to the final round!

Harry: Yay! Ice cream! _sits down at Slytherin table and starts eating happily_

Gred (whispered): Nice thinking!

Ate: Thank you. I try.

Luna (to Draco): You enjoy dressing in women's clothing.

Draco: Your shoes were popular in 1977, and you stalk Lockhart impersonators as a hobby. Also, Wailing Winkerbillies don't exist.

Luna:_ wails_ They do too!

**Final Round: **

Ate: This is a free-for-all round! Insult whoever you think is the easiest!

Remus (to Gred): Your most recent prank was original in 1764, and you apparently lack the intellect to realize who your opponents are in the Prank war. The Marauders have been making proverbial monkies out of you since early last year.

Gred and Forge: _wide eyed_ The Marauders!

Really!

You're joking mate!

Remus: No, I'm Moony. Sirius is Padfoot.

Forge and Gred:_ begin kissing his feet_ You're our hero!

The greatest ever!

WE LOVE YOU!

Ate: Disqualified for hero worship!

Draco (to Snape): I know of at least ten potions masters who can prepare a Verasita Serum faster than you can. And your technique for chopping Witch Weed is sloppy.

Snape: Your hair has split ends and your manicure needed to be renewed two weeks ago.

Draco: Excuse me, I need to floo my stylist. _heads to Slytherin dorms_

Bast: Snape, Remus, you may make your closing arguments! Err...insults...

Snape (to Remus): Remember Chainsaw Santa? That was completely contrived. I've seen better in Scream III, you mangy mutt!

Remus: Petunia's Elvis impersonation. Enough said.

Snape: _death glare_ You are completely incompetent! I've seen potatoes with more critical thinking skills! _fingers wand_

Remus: _turns Snape's hair hot pink and conjures a mirror for him_ It suits you. _dodges string of probably illegal hexes_

Ate:_ tentatively_ Severus?

Snape: _silkily_ Yes?

Ate: You're disqualified for the use of overt violence.

Snape:_ softly _Everyone has ten seconds to leave before I start removing vital organs with spoons.

Sirius: Why spoons?

Snape: BECAUSE IT WILL HURT MORE, YOU TWIT!

Mass panic ensues as the population of Hogwarts runs for their lives.

Bast turns to Ate as they round a corner: "I think we're forgetting something."

"What?"

"We're all-powerful immortal gods."

"Severus is scary."

>

The Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw match was...unusual. Even for Hogwarts. It wasn't the score (350 Slytherin to 110 Ravenclaw) so much as it was the swarm of jawbreakers chasing Harry all over the pitch. It didn't help that the Weasley twins were taking bets as to which jawbreaker would manage to hit him first...

And it certainly didn't help that Draco had just placed twenty galleons on a solid red one.

"Stop gambling and DO SOMETHING!" Harry yelled desperately.

Draco pouted. "But if I stop them all I'll lose the bet!"

"AND IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SHAVE YOUR HEAD!"

"Ahhh...you are most wise, oh clod-whopper..." The blond pulled out his wand and attempted to hit the candies with _stupefy_. He missed the candies, but he conveniently managed to hit the Ravenclaw keeper. "Hmmm...I do believe I have a viable strategy..."

"You know how to stop them?"

"If by 'them' you mean the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, then yes!"

"DRACO!"

"Spoilsport!" Draco pouted.

Draco gracefully grabbed a garish green hat off one of the people in the stands and transfigured it into a butterfly net. He was casually swiping at the jawbreakers when Harry noticed the Ravenclaw seeker going after the snitch...

So they flew across his path and caught him in the flock of jawbreakers.

"Was that legal?" Draco asked as Madame Pomfrey took the seeker off the field.

"About as legal as the jawbreakers chasing me," Harry answered, diving after the snitch as Draco netted the last one. "Or the _stupefy_ you hit the keeper with. Got it."

"So what do we do about these?" the full net was straining to get to Harry. Then it abruptly changed direction, yanked itself out of the blonde's hands, and flew into the stands to clothesline Dumbledore and Lockhart. "Never mind."

Harry looked at his squeak toys dancing by Hermione. "I'd yell, but I don't care."

"That's the spirit!"

>

Hey, everyone! I have good news and bad news! The good news is that my finals are over, I'm moved into my new house (the move was rather...unexpected, but good!), and the doctors have narrowed down the cause of my insomnia to a genetic predisposition and decided that taking more of my blood would be pointless. (YAY!) The bad news is that I can now update MUCH more frequently! I fear for the sanity of my readers...

Thanks to everyone for their patience, and a big thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I appreciate hearing from ya'll so much!

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

athenakitty: Actually, I've gotten rather fond of a nutty Ginny. :) As to Percy's procreation, I don't want to think about it... -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Lady FoxFire: I hope I don't become normal with sleep... I'm rather fond of my insanity... Fun with Fudge will be coming up shortly. Thank you! Have a meatball sub! -Gives out meatball sub and red jawbreaker-

Night-Owl123: Yeah, I shattered my previous record. -grin- Yep, faked signatures are definately fun for framing! (I love alliteration!) -Gives out red jawbreaker-

RookRaven: Thank you! Thank you! I try. :) -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! Yeah, my dad's a big softy too. It get's particularly entertaining whenever we get a new pet, and he ends up fussing and cooing over it more than anyone else! I'd feel sorry for Percy, too, except that it's funnier this way. -Gives out red jawbreaker-

WJENKSREADER: Glad you like it! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

DeathlyNightshade: Yeah, I'm not too fond of Myrtle either, but she's good for toilet humor. Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

didygal: Thanks! And cheers to you too! -Gives out red jawbreaker and toasting fork-

Smiley Face3: Sorry about the wait. Is your monitor okay? -Gives out red jawbreaker and various catnip toys-

highbrass: Thank you! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Isis's Rose: MEEP! Breathe! Breathe! -Gives out oxygen tank and red jawbreaker- Don't use them at the same time!

evil older sister: Absolutely! (Though you might want to keep an eye peeled for the magic bunny...I have it from reliable sources that the bunny is dangerous!) As to my caffeine intake, I tried. I failed. Now I'm happily caffinated! (I didn't try very hard...) Thank you for the chocolate, by the way! (Mmmm...chocolate...) -Gives out red jawbreaker-

kawaii chibi shun: (author spontaneously combusts from blushing) Thank you so much! Just between you and I, I kinda like Harry better half-crazed too. He needs a bit of light-heartedness every now and then! Incidentally, when my first book comes out, I'm holding you to that! I don't know what it will be called, or what it'll be about, but it's nice to have at least one buyer already:) Wow...you're the second person this chapter to report a lemonade related computer accident... Must be some sort of new fad... (promptly splashes lemonade on monitor) I feel so cool now! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Dark Illusionist: Awww! But Snape's one of my favorites... (pouts) I can't do that to him! Now Lockhart on the other hand... ;) -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Kaaera: Woot! Don't you just love the sound of the word rutebega? It's so nifty! Thanks for your concern. I'm alright! Awake and with very little possibility of sleeping normally, but I've been that way for 21 years, and it's worked pretty well so far (barring insomnia runs)! Thanks! -Gives out two red jawbreakers (an extra one for Maria)-

Sugarhighaddict: Hmmm...thanks for the reminder! Now I have something to ponder for Year Three! I'll have to perform tests with Snow and mechanical squeak toys... Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker and wanders off muttering about squeak velocity and cat vectors-

Lady-Snape7: Yahoo! I'm snort inducing! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

Fire Gazer: Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

CelticCross83: Wow...you're a little scary... But since pole lamps actually are evil, I declare you a magnanimous wombat! Congratulations! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

RainOwl: Thanks! Your wish is my command! -Gives out red jawbreaker-

ihadanepiphany: One new pair of lungs coming up! (Chases down random pedestrian) Thank you! -Gives out lung transplant, lockpicking kit, and red jawbreaker-

Alexeyy: sniffle Only a _tad_ mental? Ah well, c'est la vie! Thanks, I keep my bonkyness in shape with regular squeaky-hammer parades through the center of town! -Gives out red jawbreaker and squeaky hammer-


	10. Chapter Ten: Canadian Rutebegas

**Disclaimer:** Once upon a time, there were three little nuts. One lived by an oak tree, one lived by a pond, and one lived in a penthouse overlooking Times Square. His name was Mr. Crunchy. (Action figures now available at fine retailers everywhere.)

Chapter Ten: Canadian Rutebegas

"Harvey, I am your father." Dobby was wearing a hat made from the bush's lampshade and holding a wooden ladle. His latest fashion accessory, however, was a choker made of Harry's hands.

"YOU...ARE...NOT...MY...FATHER!" Harry was actually snarling-among other things.

"Maybe not, but Harvey Pickle promised not to attend Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which he is clearly doing!" Dobby snapped his fingers and reappeared at the end of Harry's bed. "The jawbreakers should have sent Harvey Pickle home..."

"No, HARRY POTTER promised not to attend HOBFORT'S SCHOOL OF HITCH-RAFT AND LIZARDRY!" The brunette growled as he lunged for the house elf. "Furthermore, you stole my lamp!"

"Harvey Pickle's argument is irreverent," Dobby said smugly, dancing out of the way.

"You mean irrelevant, and _stupefy_." Draco twirled his wand like an American gunfighter and blew on the tip of it. "You do realize the little bugger admitted to setting jawbreakers on you?"

"Yes, I realize that. Nice timing, by the way." Harry was rummaging around in his trunk for something. Finally, he triumphantly brought forth...a pair of Teletubby socks.

Draco took one look at them and was scarred for life. "What are those light-forsaken creatures?"

"The source of all evil."

"I thought as much."

"They were one of Dudley's old Christmas presents. I was saving them to use on Blaise, but I think this is a better cause." Harry enlarged the socks and stuffed Dobby into one. He filled the other one with dung bombs set to go off in three days, and stuffed it in with the house elf. Then he had Hermes take the whole thing to a Columbian drug lord.

"Hey Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"You forgot to get your lamp back."

>

Snape discovered the second petrified person the day before Christmas break, which was rather unfortunate for Mr. Finch-Fletchley. It turned out Justin had frozen in the perfect position to be dressed up as the lead for _Swan Lake_. He was promptly placed on display in the middle of the Great Hall, with Percy-in green plaid tights-serving as the prince.

"Not that I don't like the display, Sev, but is the Swan Princess supposed to be wearing a cheese wedge hat?" Remus asked curiously.

Sirius blinked slowly. "I'm beginning to see a pattern here..."

"Which is?" Snape asked silkily.

"All the victim's are...GEEKS! Obviously the perpetrator only attacks the socially impaired!"

Two hands slapped Padfoot on the back of the head. "Remmy!"

"Only you would think of something like that, Siri," Remus sighed.

"I have a better idea," Severus added. "Perhaps all the victim's were found wearing cheese wedges?"

"Socially impaired cheese wedges?" Sirius was absurdly hopeful. He put on his best puppy expression.

"Will it shut you up?"

"Temporarily."

"Then yes, fine! They were all wearing socially impaired hats!" Sirius gave a triumphant yowl and hugged Severus.

Remus received a postcard a week later from Canada.

_Remmy,_

_I found the cutest moose! I'm making arrangements to have him shipped to you for Christmas! We can attach him to Lockhart and go sledding, or just let them loose in the dark forest... I named him Goosey!_

_Love, _

_Padfoot_

_P.S. Did you know Canadian Bacon is made from cows?_

Due to Sirius's...sudden departure, Remus thought it would be safer to spend Christmas at Hogwarts. Though how he came to this conclusion was a mystery. Harry suspected it was because he didn't trust Padfoot's sense of direction. Harry wasn't exactly confident in it either. But Sirius finally straggled in on Christmas Eve leading a gazelle.

"Isn't he adorable?" Sirius patted Goosey gently on the neck. "He's a little small compared to the other Meese, but I think he'll do!"

Harry ignored the obvious problem and focused on the more obsure one. "Meese?"

"If the plural of goose is geese, the the plural of moose is meese!"

"Sirius, never teach grammar."

"Okay Harry!"

"That's a gazelle." Remus pointed out.

Sirius clapped his hands over Goosey's ears. "Shhhh, you'll hurt his feelings!"

Harry circled Goosey curiously. "Where did you find a gazelle in Canada?"

Snape answered from the doorway. "He didn't. I sent him to the middle of the Congo. He may have mistaken the giant mosquitoes for migratory birds."

"So there's no long-billed buzzfeather?" Sirius looked crestfallen.

"No."

Sirius maintained his expression until Lockhart was secured to Goosey and set free. "Roam free, little Goosey! Brush up against as many thorns as possible!"

"Feel better?" the werewolf asked lightly.

"I need chocolate."

>

That night, Santa Claus paid a visit to a certain Minister of Magic. That Santa resembled a rubber mouse with a wand was unremarked on by the duck-like reindeer in attendance.

>

**Minister of Magic Missing!**

Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter Reports:

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, vanished from his office late last night. Foul play is suspected, but aurors at the ministry refuse to disclose further details. It is known, however, that Ludo Bagman will be filling in for Minister Fudge until he is located. There was also mention of security footage showing mysterious small figures. It is speculated that the Lilliputians may have abducted the Minister in an effort to secure larger recognition in the wizarding community.

Minister Fudge was first introduced into England's political scene at the age of twenty-one...

>

Remus and Harry bounced into the living room early Christmas morning. Sirius lagged behind a few moments later with a large cup of coffee.

"Harry, why is there a giant rutebega under the Christmas tree?"

>

If anyone is wondering why this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, it's because I like to avoid cliffies when possible. Though, I suppose my end-of-chapter gag could be taken as a sort of cliffie... (frowns thoughtfully) Oh, well!

Lady FoxFire: I wish I had sanity... Then I could do that too! Then again, if I were sane I probably wouldn't be half as entertaining! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Yay! Worship! You must indoctrinate your neighbors into the cult of the giant rutebega! Holidays are Christmas, birthdays, and any other day you can weasel presents out of people you know! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Night-Owl123: Awww...fiddlesticks! Though an argument could be made for it being less of a script and more of a prose convenience... Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

CelticCross83: You're welcome! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

athenakitty: Maybe when he gets back from the forest... :) -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Smiley Face3: Thank you! I'm glad your monitor is alright. Just remember, monitors only drink hard apple cider. -Gives out candied rutebegas-

highbrass: WOW! Fifteen minutes! -Hands you Oxygen mask- I highly recommend breathing while reading. I hear it helps! Thank you! You're right, sanity is very over-rated! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Heather: Congrats! And thank you. As to year three, I plan on doing it as Prisoner_s_ of Azkaban, but I'm going to be mean and leave you wondering about who's in there. -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Kaaera: I'm just happy about the lack of more needling! Thanks, I'm glad to oblige the amusement monkeys! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Drake Smythe: Thanks! Not a bad idea, but I think I'll do it to Dobby! Maybe with duct tape added in... -Gives out candied rutebegas and walks off muttering in thought-

DeathlyNightshade: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

RainOwl : Me too! I don't know what I would do if I were normal... -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Isis's Rose: Thanks! -Gives out candied rutebegas-

Fluffy Sun: Thank you! You're probably right... -Gives out candied rutebegas-


	11. Chapter Eleven: Conspiracy Theories

**Disclaimer**: Rutabagas are called Swedes in England. (Thanks to Andromeda Snape-Malfoy for pointing that out!) The rutabaga is very similar to the turnip except that it generally has yellowish flesh, a more dense root with more side shoots and they are usually harvested at a larger size. Unlike the turnip, the rutabaga has smooth, waxy leaves. (Theme music from: "The more you know".) The author would also like to apologize for her consistent misspelling of rutabaga in the previous chapters. ;) Blame it on a hard southern accent...

AN: For full groveling and apologies, see my author profile.

Chapter Eleven: Conspiracy Theories

"Harry, why is there a giant rutabaga under the Christmas tree?"

"I don't see a rutabaga." Remus wordlessly handed Harry his glasses. "Oh...um..." Harry was saved from having to answer by the arrival of the Daily Prophet, and Padfoot's subsequent happy dance. "Look! Sirius is moonwalking!"

Remus gave Harry the "We'll discuss this later" look. "Siri...why are you doing that?"

"Fudge is gone!" Then he started yodeling while dressed as a Bavarian fruitcake. "Merry Christmas! _Yodalayhewhoo!_ Fudge is missing! _Yodalayhewhoo!_ I have presents! _Yodalayhe yodalayhe yodalayhe yodalayheWHOOOOOOooooo!"_

After Sirius had been sedated, Remus turned to Harry. "Harry...I may have been around Ate too much...but...did you have anything to do with this?"

Harry blinked, then placed his hand over his heart. "I swear I didn't slip anything into Padfoot's coffee."

Remus smiled a little. "That wasn't what I was asking. What I want to know is...did you have anything to do with Fudge's disappearance?"

Rumples spoke up from the couch. "You _have_ been around me too much! Do you really think Harry slipped out in the middle of the night armed with a wand with an altered signature and changed the Minister of Magic into a giant rutabaga?"

"You're right," Remus admitted easily. "You probably did it. Harry, hand me your wand."

Harry winced. "Alright, but I think now would be an excellent time to point out that it isn't technically illegal to change your wand's magical signature to the magical signature of another person. There's a loophole."

"And whose signature is currently on it?"

"Dumbledore's."

Remus seemed to freeze for a moment...then he began laughing. "So Dumbledore has just been framed for the disappearance of the Minister of Magic?"

"Uh-huh."

"And the Minister is currently a giant rutabaga sitting under our Christmas tree?"

"Yes."

"And no one thought to leave a wax figure of Barry Manilow in the office?" Harry blinked. Remus expounded. "To tie him to the string of incidents with the Dursleys."

"Ohhhh!" Ate hit herself in the forehead with a rubber paw. "I knew I'd forgotten something. Give me a sec." She vacated Rumples momentarily to have a chat with Chronos.

>

...Meanwhile, in Malfoy Manor...

"Draco! Come down from that bell tower this instant and take your potion!" Lucius was at the end of his rope...

...Then, suddenly...

>

Ate returned a few moments later holding the latest edition of _The Daily Prophet_.

**Minister of Magic Missing!**

**Foul Play Suspected!**

Special Correspondent Rita Skeeter Reports:

Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge vanished from his office late last night under mysterious circumstances. One anonymous source has disclosed that a wax figure of muggle celebrity Barry Manilow was found at the scene, and security footage shows small shadowed figures entering and exiting through the Minister's window. The source also states that police believe it is possible that this is a publicity stunt by the LLF to gain larger public recognition than they currently enjoy.

While official police statements deny having formed any link between the disappearance of Minister Fudge, the Lilliputian Liberation Front, and the mysterious vanishing and reappearance of the muggle Marge Dursley, this reporter believes that the figure of Barry Manilow-found at both scenes-speaks for itself.

(Story continued on page 2)

Rumples was performing a little squeaky victory dance around the rutabaga when Lucius's head appeared in the fireplace. "Excuse me, gentlemen. I hate to interrupt the festivities, but we're having a little situation with Draco."

Harry frowned lightly. "What's wrong with him? Did he try to break open the Christmas presents and get booby-trapped?"

"No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. A few days ago, he came down with the wizarding version of chicken pox, and now he's convinced that he's some sort of crazy muggle character from a book. He hasn't come out of the manor's bell tower all day, and every time I try to go up there, he starts throwing things at me and yelling 'Sanctuary!'."

Remus pondered the situation for a moment. "Does he call himself Quasimodo?"

"Yes."

"Okay, here's what we need to do!" Harry said excitedly. "Lucius, contact Hermione and tell her to meet us at the manor dressed as a gypsy and to bring a tambourine! Remus, go wake up Sirius and contact Severus. We're going to have Snape dress up as an 18th century magistrate. I'll get Narcissa and start building a stake to burn Hermione on below the bell tower."

"Harry, this all sounds very interesting but..."

"Trust me! It's foolproof! All we have to do is wait for Draco to try to rescue Hermione then nab him and hope he doesn't drop molten metal and bits of stone on us first!" Harry clapped happily. "Now everyone get to work!" The brunette vanished into his bedroom to get some supplies.

"Do you have a better plan, Remus?" Lucius asked wearily.

"Sadly no."

"Do you have a worse plan then?"

"I don't have any plan at all."

"Could you make one?"

"Given time." Remus sighed. "The sad thing is, from what I remember of the story, this might actually work."

"Provided Miss Granger doesn't die from smoke inhalation, of course." The two men looked at each other for a long moment. "We're doomed, aren't we?"

"So doomed."

>

It was a fine day for a witch burning, as those went, and despite Hermione's less-than-enthusiastic performance as "helpless victim", everything seemed to be going fairly smoothly. Draco was repeatedly seen peeking out of the windows of the tower to observe Harry and Narcissa as the stake was built and stocked with kindling. By the time Sirius and Remus came out of the manor escorting a reluctant Snape, he was shouting curses down at them in fluent French.

"I didn't know Draco spoke French," Harry said thoughtfully.

"We usually summer in Paris."

"Ah."

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't realize Draco had been spending time at the docks."

Harry blinked. "Never mind, Harry dear."

Hermione was led bound and gagged by Lucius out of Malfoy Manor. She glared at Harry while she was being tied to the stake.

Harry nudged Severus. "You have to make a speech."

"About what?" Snape snapped.

"About how Hermione has been found guilty of witchcraft and refused to recant and is going to Hell. You know, the typical gloating bad guy stuff."

"Right..." At Harry's resultant puppy-dog expression, he conceded. "You're a bad influence on him, Black."

"Thank you!"

Snape stepped up to the base of the stake and placed a _sonorus_ on himself. "This...unscrupulous sinner has failed to debase herself in front of the glory of...er...myself! She has been duly and justly convicted of acts which are unlawful in the eyes of this most esteemed government and in the eyes of God himself! As such, she is to be punished in both this life and the here after! But for now, we're just going to use her to roast marshmallows. Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!" Severus absently flicked an _incendio_ over his shoulder as he stepped away.

Narcissa stared at him, amazed. "Are you drunk?"

Remus grinned. "How did you _think_ we got him here? Reasoned arguments?" Severus weaved his way back toward the manor calling for eggnog and singing "Happy Birthday." He hadn't removed the _sonorus_.

Meanwhile, Draco was busily tying a rope to one of the bells and attempting to scratch his spots at the same time. It was a bit harder than he had anticipated, but he eventually managed. Then he jumped out the window yelling "Someone save the snorkels!"

Unfortunately, he forgot the rest of the rope.

Fortunately, he landed on Severus.

Back at Hogwarts>

Ate was sprawled regally across the couch beside the Christmas tree reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Good Deeds and laughing herself silly. "Loki! Loki, get down here! You have to see this!"

Loki appeared in a flash of fire. "What?" Then he swelled up like a balloon. "ATE!"

"Don't you just love food allergies?"

>

AN: Just thought I should remind everyone in case they forgot. Loki revealed that he was allergic to Rutabagas in Chapter Six. And Chronos is, of course, the God of Time.

athenakitty: Well...if he ever gets back from his little trip with Goosey, I imagine he'll be about as sane as any of my other characters. But who knows, maybe it'll broaden his horizons? -gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Morrolan: Thanks for your patience! Hope you find this funny! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

RainOwl: Glad you think so...I'd hate to disappoint you when I repeatedly torment him throughout the rest of the series! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Lady FoxFire: Well...I haven't managed to sell any of my non-existant sanity on Ebay yet, but here's your kleenex anyway! And there will be more Dumbledore punishing in the next chapter! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie and three boxes of Kleenex-

DeathlyNightshade: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Christmas in Arkansas is rarely any better. It's usually cold, but I can count on one hand then number of times we've had snow on the ground. It's really more of a brown Christmas (since all the grass is dead). -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Thanks! A rutabaga is like a yellow turnip. Except that it sounds funnier when spoken. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Isis's Rose: Try feeding some to your new plushie! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

evil older sister: Yeah. I figured that Congo-Canada thing was something only Sirius could pull off. Thanks for the chocolate! Sorry to keep you waiting. -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Smiley Face3: I've recently enrolled my laptop in Cider Addicts Anonymous. It's a 12 step program...makes me wish my laptop had feet. Bad puns aside, I'm glad you like the chapter. Hope this one's just as funny! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

highbrass: Thanks! Sorry about the wait! -cowers humbly and hands you a Quasimodo plushie-

Kaaera: The minister is the rutabaga (which looks like a yellow turnip). Glad you liked the chapter! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Thelvyn: (evil laughter) THERE WILL BE NO MERCY! Mwahahahahah! (evil laughter over) Glad you liked it! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

CelticCross83: 1. Only in Dobby's head. 2. Goosey's currently on tour with Lockhart. They'll return in the next chapter. 3. No, but he _is_ a Melvin fan! 4. A rutabaga is like a yellow turnip. Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

SadnessAndSorrow: Thanks! Glad you like my stories! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

justmehere22: Wow! Thank you so much! Yeah, I can't stand when people write like that either... Oh! And extra points for mentioning puppets! -Gives out Quasimodo puppet-

Andromeda Snape-Malfoy: Thanks for the tip! That explains why so many of my reviewers were confused by that... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Never Odd Or eveN: Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

shadow-darkness89: Thanks! Me too! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

NamelessHeretic: Thanks! I find most people to be a little of both. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

kawaii chibi shun: Thanks! Hmm...since I don't want to totally give away the plot, I'll just say that the cheese wedge hats are connected to Melvin. And, no, Sirius and Remus aren't summoners. Siri is just a little...nutty. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

gamdori-bil: Thanks! Yeah...they keep trying to put me away, but it's really easy to escape! All it takes is a rubber ducky and a butane torch. :) -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Anon Junky: Oh my goodness! -Revives you and hands you a Quasimodo plushie-

Lady-Snape7: -grin- Gee...I just can't imagine... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Alexander: Oh, I don't smoke. Believe it or not, this results purely from caffeine and chocolate! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Nocturnal Princess: Always happy to oblige! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

80286: Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Nahirta: It's okay. I know the feeling! Uh-oh...what is Sir Antlers up to! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Inimene: Well...this _is_ an AU. Besides, I've always had a distinct like of sharp wits:) -Gives out Quasimodo plusie-

VainFirechild-EverSoVain: Thanks! Love the quote, by the way! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

aniala: Thank you! Yeah, I'm not too fond of Dumbledore either Oh, and thank you soooo much for the purple antelope picture! I have it posted on my profile now! -Gives out Quasimodo Plushie-

FortunaMajor88: Thanks! I'll mark you down as one vote against Hermione and Ginny. I really like the parrot sketch though! Maybe you should just let your parrot recite that (although I do appreciate the sentiment)... -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Dragon Shade: Oh, nothing really. I rather like it! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

Kitsu Kurasei: Wow! I think that's the longest review I've ever gotten! Hmmm...okay, now I'm going to have to try that...maybe with Mountain Dew for maximum effect! Yay! I'm a humor god! -insert happy dance here- -insert sound of breaking glass here- -insert _coordinated_ happy dance here- Yeah, I can think of a lot of ways to work Melandru in. -insert evil grin here- Most of them end badly for Lockhart, too! -Gives out 10,000 packets of sugar, several cases of Mountain Dew, and a Quasimodo plushie-

kelpieater: Thanks for reviewing! Hmmm...I've never seen that spelling of Freya before. I'll be sure to include those! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

guess: Oddly enough, just caffeine, chocolate, and sleep deprivation! It's a potent combination. :) Thanks for the suggestion. I'll be sure to check that out! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

DuchessAndromeda : Thanks! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-

morgan000: Thanks for reviewing and everything! -Gives out Quasimodo plushie-


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